i've been working on a new post, but for now...just a song

Christmas and sustained happiness

It's Christmas Eve and I'm heading off to work until 5pm. After work I'm going to do some last minute grocery shopping and then go home.  

I'm going to be alone this Christmas, and it's going to suck.  Most of my friends are all transient. They all have families in Michigan, Wisconsin, or out in the burbs. So I can't really hide myself away amongst them. Tomorrow, when I wake up, I have to face the wound without the dressing....I am alone. 

Most people will wake up and have a great morning, be in the warmth and glow of their loved ones. Most people will have the excitement of gifts, and family, laughter and travel.  I will not. 

There will be no presents for me. Nobody took the time out of their day to figure out what I wanted. Took the time to make a card, and decorate it so carefully. There will be no hugs, no kisses, no I love yous. I didn't buy one single present. And the one person that I would have bought for wouldn't be able to accept what I would have bought anyway. But most of all nobody wanted to be where I am. 

I'm not looking for pity. I know there are thousands upon thousands of people like me. I also know that this is all my fault. I made my bed by shooting for sustained happiness instead of the sure thing. I never take the easy road, well, because the easy road is never the road with the most reward.  I know what it takes to make me happy and I know that its never the things that are easily obtained. 

Even with people. Everyone has baggage. Everyone has flaws. I always tend to try to look at the long term with someone I'm involved with. Even if I know that in the short run it'll be rough. I do this because I know that beyond the initial meeting that they posess qualities that will keep me interested long term. 

Simular goals, interests, sex drive.  My sex drive isn't something that fades, so I know that I need someone who can keep  up. My interest in doing things needs to be met as well, so I try to match myself with someone with similar interests. That way we never get bored of each other.  

I take chances, and I fail for the most part. I've failed so far. But I've tried. 

Something is different this year though. I'm a little bit sadder. A little bit more drawn back. My life is passing by so quickly. All I want to do is freeze time. Be able to move through without worrying about everything. 

So fuck you Christmas.  Fuck you for making me feel like shit. Only one more week for another reminder of what a miserable piece of shit my life is. Thank you. 

Holidays 2010

No live blog today. Just a post I've been working on for about a week now. 

I met Alex around the end of the holiday season 2009, we were still getting a feel for each other, and she was being pretty flighty. So we really didn't start going out regularly until the beginning of February 2010. 

Our first real date was actually on valentines day. I kept racking my brain over what I should or should not do to mark the occasion. Didn't want to get flowers or anything like that, and then I thought wouldn't it be funny if I got fake flowers. Fake flowers led me to the thought of those flowers that magicians have, where they pull them out and wallah! Flowers! That thought led me to a scavenger hunt to find a real magic shop, which led me to purchase of said flowers and a magic wand. Both of which she still holds in a vase. 

But this post isn't about our relationship persay. It's about the holidays that year. 

Alex traveled a lot. She had a part time gig in her families firm as a consultant for business expo's. She was gone most times for a few days. The holidays were no different. Her family lived in Florida, so she would go there to visit. 

Thanksgiving was approaching and we talked about what we would do. I offered to come with her. To spend time with her. But she didn't want to take me away from my family. So instead we did thanksgiving at our apartment, and invited family and friends over to join us on the Sunday before thanksgiving. We did the whole spread, drank, played games, and ended up capping the evening off at a local dessert place. 

That brings us to Christmas time.  Alex and I always shared a love of the holidays.  We'd carve pumpkins, roast seeds, and go to costume parties for Halloween. We'd do the fireworks for the 4th, finding somewhere to grill out. St pattys day, I'd dress up as a leprechaun and she'd wear some outlandish green and white striped concoction with green stars on her head. So Christmas was a natural fit for us. 

She had a tree in a box in the closet. We really could have just used that one. But we decided since it was our first year together to get new stuff, and a real tree. 

Anyone that knows me, or should I say at least has been with me knows why I always want a real one. It's because fake trees can't usually support the tree toppers that I'd want to use. And the topper of the tree is everything.  So we went out shopping for decorations, decided on stockings for the cats. 

There was a Home Depot not too far from home, so we did the whole real tree thing of strapping it to the roof, and schlepping it home. We got it home and put it in it's stand and decided that we wanted to make a whole thing of decorating it. So we saved it for the next day. 

I for some reason thought that I'd love hot buttered rum, and Alex, well she never met a form of rum she didn't enjoy. So I made a whole log of brown sugar, butter, clove and nutmeg.  We heated the rum up on the stove and plopped our brown sugar slices into mugs. It produced the worst tasting holiday beverage I've ever tasted, and mind you I still can't bring myself to drink eggnog.  Alex was sweet though. She said it was good, and choked it down enough to be believable, even though the remainder of that log lived in our freezer the duration of the time we lived in that apartment. 

We went to the local target and decided on a color scheme. She let me pick the topper. I big copper star. All nice and heavy. Unlit so it didn't look cheesy. 

We spent the rest of the night taking our time putting the tree up, talking about Christmas' past. We talked about what Christmas meant to us, what we'd like it to be. I told my family that she'd be joining us. She decided to do Christmas early with her parents so we could spend the day together. 

That's not to say we weren't going through some tough times. She was in danger of getting laid off. A danger that proved to be right. She had only been called back recently to work and after a month of her working things were just starting to ease up a little. But I could see the stress in her. All I could think of was trying to make things better. I told her that no matter what I'd keep us afloat. 

I ended up buying her something's I knew she wanted, and needed. She traveled a lot so I bought her a nook. She was an avid reader and loved reading on the plane. She wanted a video camera, so I did research and bought one from b&h. She wanted to start documenting our life and things we did. I remember her using it later on taping me playing disc golf the first time. My first toss I ended up throwing a ten dollar frisbee onto a roof. We watched it later and she made fun, and we laughed and laughed. I said I should have taped the camera to the frisbee. 

The last gift wasn't really a gift at all. She had a pair of headphones that had a short in the wire. She taped those things up so much and so often. But finally they crapped out on her. She hated using the pair of crappy earbuds so much.  So I looked up a place to have them fixed. Picked them up a day or two later. I think it cost me 15 bucks to fix. So I wrapped those up too. 

Christmas Eve came, and we sat on the floor listening to Christmas music. Trying to keep cats out of being wrapped up along with the gifts. We shared in each other's traditions. Hers was a bottle of champagne and potatoe chips, mine was watching the best Christmas movies ever...bad Santa and die hard. Another of my traditions is that I can't keep a surprise to save my life so I made her open the video camera so she could use it Christmas morning. She was happy and immediately handed it to me to set up as is my job in most relationships. I'm the tech nerd. I soon discoverd that I forgot a sd card, but being as it was a sony product I just took the memory out of my play station to fix that problem. 

That night as I went, or as it usually was, I was called to bed, I was pretty happy. I went to bed with knowing that the person I'd wake up with was someone I loved and who loved me. Someone that made an effort. Someone that took the time everyday to make me feel important. Just the little things. Telling me to hurry home. Meeting me at work so we could go home together.  I slept without worry of her not being there the next day.  Little did I know that it'd be the last time, or that I wouldn't have that feeling since. 

Christmas morning came, and after sleeping in a bit I woke up first.  I got up and went into the kitchen and made breakfast and coffee. And while the biscuits were in the oven, I walked into the bedroom with a premade cup of coffee. I sat on the bed with both our cups of coffee and leaned over and kissed her forehead awake.  She smiled and said, "coffee for me?" I told her that I made breakfast as well.  "And breakfast?"  Yup.  

We sat down and ate breakfast, watching the parade on tv. Both in our pj's, or should I say both in mine.  After we were done I asked if she wanted to open presents.  So we did. She loved her nook. And immediately she wanted me to sync her Barnes and noble account.  I smiled because I know she's smart enough to figure it out, but she's also smart enough to know that nothing makes me feel more important than setting up electronics. 

She tore open the last gift and she immediately threw her arms around my head. The twenty dollar repair was the winner. And I kind of knew it would be. It was the most thoughtful gift of them all. Knowing what she needed and wanted most and being sneaky in getting the repaired for her made it special. 

After we were done, and sitting on the floor playing with our new toys, we just hung out until early afternoon. 

We spent the rest of the day hanging out with my family. Drinks were consumed, dinner was eaten, presents were opened. She was amazed at how laid back it was with my family. We're not cheesy, we don't make airs. She was also taken aback at the amount of stuff she recieved from them.  One thing about my family is they'll go out of their way to make you feel welcome. "I think they gave me more stuff than they gave you."  Yup. That wasn't by accident. 

New Year's Eve was a little different. Awhile back I saw one of my favorite bands was playing a show nye. I really wanted to go to that show. I was growing tired of going out and getting plastered every nye, so I thought a show would be cool. One day while I was working late oct, Alex texted me about her favorite band playing that night. I asked her how much tickets were. I knew at that moment that that's the show we'd go see. 

She had been down about work, life, and a lack of friends. I asked what her best friend was planning that night and she said that she was going to be out of town. I wanted to make sure raft there wasn't other options where she might have more fun. So I bought the tickets. 

That night before the concert we stopped at the liquor store and picked up a bottle of champagne to enjoy at home after the concert. 

Nye I worked, I hurried home, I got dressed up, as did Alex. Everything seemed alright. We walked to the concert, braving the cold. We sat up in the balcony for the first act. Then her band came on. We wandered down to the main floor. Just before midnight as they were doing the countdown, I looked over to see her eyes welled with tears. I saw one tumble down her cheek. 

I asked her if everything was alright, if she wanted to leave. I asked if it was something I did. She said, "no honey, you're great." She forced a smile for me. We kissed at midnight. A long deep meaningful kiss. But those tears told me everything. 

She was unhappy with her life. Not unhappy with me, but as hard as I tried I couldn't take the place of friends, a good job doing something that she loved. A town that she loved as much as I loved it here. 

Six months later she'd be gone, but that Christmas was the last I remember being happy, being fulfilled. 

C'mon Santa. I know I've been on that good boy list for awhile now. Maybe it's the fact that what I want can't be made by little elves.  

 

Saturday live blog:

12:42pm 

Yay snow!!! And it's actually kind of nice out. I have my ears exposed for Christ sakes. And they haven't fell off?!?

12:49pm

I slept all the sleeps last night. And after hanging out with my friends last night, which was a great time btw, I feel surprisingly good.  We drank beers, had deep dish pizza, and ended up gambling on computer wrestlers, wrestling each other. 

12:53pm

Today has a weird feel to it. I'm running late for brunch. But already in contact with all those involved, and a bus was waiting for me when I got to the corner. Dare I say today has a........... Happy......feel to it? 

1:01pm.

Seriously. I can't make this shit up. So we pull up to a bus stop and this little Mexican dude is shoveling off the stop. He gets on and doesn't pay.  He just goes and sits down. The bus driver keeps calling up front to him. He says, I shoveled the bus stop out! 

Bartering is alive and well my friends. 

1:50pm

Gingerbread coffee in tow, we're back in the warmth of the fat cat. I think I have two beers I need to drink. Deciding between biscuits and gravy and pancakes and bacon. 

3:00pm

Delirium Noel. Potent potables. Discussion of why the post office should raise the cost of stamps to at least a buck. I have one more beer until Santa hat! 

3:50pm:

Last beer is founders breakfast stout. And Santa hat is on the way. Look at me. Who says I can't accomplish things?! I'm gonna wear this the rest of the day. Haha. Or should I say Ho Ho Ho.  

Ahem. 

Supposedly, I get my pic on the wall of fame here, and get entered in for some 4L bottle of champagne. We already decided if we win it, it's gonna be consumed on the porch. 

5:47pm:

Being that it's not horrible outside, we're having beers outside. Tried to make a snowman but snow isn't cooperating. Boo non packing snow. 

7:25pm

Talking about 80's porno and what we used to well pleasure ourselves to, I guess is the nice way to put jerk off.  Anyway, apparently we've all scoured the internet to find those first vids. Mine was an unfindable video of Sharon Mitchell as a referee in a locker room.   Man I'd love to find that video. 

10pm: 

Decide that rather and go to another bar that I know is a bad idea, I'm gonna pack it up, grab some food somewhere and go home.  The idea of being hungover all day tomorrow just doesn't sound appealing to me, and let's face it. There's nothing good that will come of me going to another bar. 

I'm tired. This lifestyle really isn't me to begin with. I really wish I could quiet things down, do things that I really want to do.  But nobodies interested in going thrifting, or heading down to the field museum to see an exhibit.  Nobody wants to go grocery shopping and spend the day trying to cook some extremely hard and complicated recipe, and then enjoy it with a bottle of wine.  Well....except me. 

10:40pm:

Find random shit at Walgreens to stiff in facehole.  Seeing people filing in and out European club on kedzie. Wondering why my life is so lame. 

11:00pm:

And I'm home.  Microwaving up some convenience store vittles and gonna sit down and probably watch some tv.  Right now I'm just looking out my window at the quiet street below.  It's funny to me that we're rarely where we wanna be. I know I try to be there, and I remember times when I was.  Why is it such a long road back? 

Don't get me wrong, there are times when I like my solitary existence. Times when I get to stay up late and watch tv, or do late night internet browsing. Read about the cubs, and whatever the next gizmo is gonna be.  But for the most part I miss being more domesticated.  

I think my next blog post will go into a little more depth of the man I am.  But with that I'm gonna call it a Saturday. I got work in about 12 hours.  All in all not a bad day. 

Early morning.

You know the people that tell you that nothing good happens after 2am? Those are people that are usually fast asleep at 2am, and have been for many hours. 

I can tell you that I've had fun after 2am, I've had fun and drunken debotchery. Yeah it's probably all misadvised at that point but regardless. Fun.  

So with that I have a new saying.  Nothing good ever happens before 9am. The walk to the train at 5:45am. All dark and snowy and cold. Half asleep conversations with clerks. For what? I'm not a god damned farmer. Look at this fucking 6am party:

Holy shit break out the mirror ball and champagne. This party is off the hook!! Ahem. 

There was a time when I used to be in bed by 11pm.  And I didn't mind it. But outside of the bed and the house nothing good happened. Myself and whoever I lived with would always dread going out and just wanna stay home anyway. 

Hmph on you 6am. At least I'm off at 1:30 today. Yay. I'll probably just go home and nap. 

So this is for you, you morning warriors:

Tuesday schmoozday

Figured I'd make a quick blog about my day. Tuesdays are early days for me usually. I have to be at work at 8am. I guess that's called normal for most folk. 

But I'm up at 6am. I make coffee, smoke a cigarette. Apparently the cat thinks we can communicate so we discuss her breakfast.  Then I sloph off my pjs hop in the shower. I usually have another cup of joe as I get dressed. 

I did debate calling in sick because it was 11 billionty degrees below zero out.  But I trudged on. Stopped at Starbucks and smoked another cigarette while waiting for the train. 

The first train is normal, but god damn my transfer train every day is like origami sex party 2024. I literally have to throw myself at a wall of people just to get on.  And when people want off at the next stop it's like watching the most bizarre game of twister you've ever seen. 

Which brings me to tonight. I'm generally a live and let live kind of dude. But man this fucking dude with his book, blocking the door pissed me off. He wouldn't step aside for people getting on. Just kept standing there, and then on top of it shaking his head as if others are rude.....for getting on the god damned train!! 

So on my way out I wouldn't step aside. I pointed his ass off the train.  Then as I passed I put my shoulder into him a little. Fuck that dude. 

Anyway. Cat needs food, as do I... Gotta run. 

i need some time to digest the day.

 I don't want to leave the house. I want to stay in. But there's nothing for me here. Yeah, i could sit and watch tv, read stuff on the internet, cook a nice dinner for myself on my last day off until saturday. But here's the thing, I hate cooking for myself. Cooking for myself is always such a love/hate relationship. I make a big ass steak, sautee up some veggies, make a big baked potatoe, and that parts all fine and good. I'm busy, I'm productive, I have to make sure that everythings done at the same time. It's the when you're done cooking that gets me. The bringing the plates and beverage and sitting it on the table, and looking at it. Meal for one, turn on the tv and thats it.

 I was asked today, when the last time I was single was. That would be almost four years ago. I was single for 2 years. I didnt sleep with anyone, didnt meet anyone, came home, hung out with friends and did exactly the thing that I'm doing now. I don't like being alone. It's not that I can't do it. I've done it before. It's just that I get so little joy out of things that I do on my own. Everything I do is better with people.

I know why I am that way. Sigh.  The majority of my childhood was spent alone. Alone outside, making up games to entertain myself. Pitch the ball up, hit it, go walk after it. Repeat 1000 times. Go exploring in the woods. Have imaginary friends to talk to.  Play the video game system my mom bought for me before she died.  Being alone reminded me of everything that I had lost. I had friends, and sleepovers. I had classmates that liked me, I did well in school. I came home to hugs and scrambled eggs and the Cubs games on WGN, just for me.  After that I had nothing. I came home to clean out bed pans, cook dinner, change oil. Maybe I'd get the occasional choking from my "uncle", or the always fun, "you're a worthless piece of shit."

So I'd go, I'd be alone, I'd cry. Things weren't any better for me at school being thrust into a kind of rich neighborhood being poor, and misunderstood.  So I was made fun of. I planned on killing myself then.

But there were moments that I'd get a brief reprieve from all of that shit. It's when I did something for someone. I would do things out of the ordinary for classmates, or cousins. I had a weird ability to tell when people were hurt and needed something. Later I found out that it's because I'm wired differently than most folk. But it made me feel good. It was the only thing that did. People, and making their lives just a little better, or listening, and empathizing.

 Its part of the reason I had season tickets to the cubs. I got to take people to games. Sometimes, even little old ladies who in their 60+ years of being on this earth have never been. I take enjoyment from that. I got to share that moment with her. It was because of something I did that she has a memory of someone being kind, and showing her something that she never had before. It's a little selfish sure. But I never denied it. A couple years ago, we had a customer that came into work all the time, and I knew he was going to be alone on Christmas, so I walked up to a local pub and sat and had a few drinks with him. He told me about his life, and how hard of a past he had. Life's not fair. I know that. But shit, nobody should be alone on Christmas. His life reminded me of my own, and it scared me a lot. I could and probably very will end up like him. I withdrew myself from talking to him as much as I used to.

 I try. I try to go out of my way to make things better. If there's something I can do to put a smile on the face of those close to me, I'll do it. It doesnt cost me a thing. Maybe a little time, maybe a little effort. But the way I look at it is time is finite. Sure there's always a part of me that says, go ahead, go back to sleep. It doesnt matter if you do that thing. But it matters to me, because at some part of the day both sides catch up, and meet. The things I do may not always have the impact on the people that I'd hope they have, but it matters to me. I didn't waste that time. I did something that I thought could change things.

 Anyway...I went off on a tangent there. I don't like being alone, yet I am. Would I like to just stay in and cook a nice meal for someone that just got off a shitty job that they hate, have it ready for them with a big hug hello? Yes. Thats what I would prefer my evening to be like. To sit and talk and joke. To make love, and dream. To have someone care about me. Go to sleep together. But thats not happening. So, in spite of what I want in life. I'll go out and be with people. I'll go watch a meaningless football game, and hear jokes about farts and other guy type stuff. I'll probably drink a few beers and try to be happy, all knowing at the end of the night is a long journey home to an empty apartment with nobody to share with.

Saturday live blog

6:45 am: I know it's gonna be cold. God damn it. Snooze

7:00 am: all I wanna do is sleeep. But I told someone I'd do something and I don't want to not be there. Must have coffee. 

7:22 putting on as many layers as I can while drinking as much coffee as I can. Broke out an old coat I haven't wore for awhile. 

7:50. Leaving the house. God damn is it cold out. Only a mile walk to the train. Guh

8:06am: Starbucks has a line. 

8:10am: I missed the damn train. Now I wish I would have left earlier. I hope I make it in time. 

8:16am: train comes. New wallet sucks because I can't scan my card through it. 

8:50am: off the train, really have to pee. No bathrooms. Soldier on buddy.

9:09 I'm at my destination. So many people geez, and I missed the start. 

10:10 am: after much is that them. Is that them, is that them? And I few I think so's Im heading home. I can barely feel my toes and my bladder is gonna rip in half. Too much coffee

11:15 off the train and at the same Starbucks I started at. Finally relieved of used coffee. Yay

11:36am: finally back home.  Start to peel off many layers of clothes. 

11:45: awwwwww. My morning was worth it after all. 

11:46: type up email. Feel super emotional. Feel tears well up. 

11:48am: no time to nap. Have to leave in a bit to go to brunch. Same time every week. 1pm meet in front of different Starbucks. 

12:00pm: another cup of coffee. 

12:34 pm: leaving for brunch meow. Much less clothes on.  Still dread walk to the bus. 

12:48: bus driver arguing with a Spanish woman that doesn't understand her for ten cents. I throw a quarter in, and say there ya go. If all of life's problems could be solved so easily. Note to bus driver: it's ten fucking cents. 

12:55: update all friends via text that I'm on my way. Don't expect responses per usual. Why am I always the one that had to hold shit together. God I'm tired. Await arguement over which place we'll go to, and then always settle on the place that has beer. We'll see if I'm wrong. 

1:00pm: well shit. There's a Irish Christmas market by the brown line. I wanna go! Ok. I realize that nobody else wants to and know that I probably won't. Hmph!  Still no response from friends. 

1:12pm:  more coffee. Christ. Text from one friend that they are gonna be late so we should go grab a beer and wait. So there we go. Fat cat it is.  So I guess this is the point where I apologize beforehand for my writing before I write it. I tend to get a little emotional and more open whilst with drink. Sorry.  At least food will be involved at some point.  Speaking of which. I was reminded late last night of a time I had daytime margaritas. Heh. 

1:36 pm: heard a ghost popped into my old job this morning. Huh.  I have seven beers left on my 12 beers of Christmas left. Having a Sierra Nevada celebration with a fried egg sammich side of bacons. Thoughts creeping in. Boo. 

1:49: 

2:27pm: after talks about worrying about whether you worry about people seeing your farts in the winter, and whether or not wu tang call them selves clansmen, I have a cigarette and order my second beer. A revolution brewery fistmas ale. Yay.  Also my friend broke his taint. 

2:43: proclaimers, I'm gonna be playing on the stereo. Sigh. 

3:02: Great Lakes Christmas ale and a very distasteful portrait of Jesus on a sail celebrating Christ-mast. Lol

4:06 am. I had a southern tier 2xmas, and about to order a Breckinridge Christmas.. In the mean time told the story of my first sexual experience and a pen exploding in my pants on a white leather couch. No Bueno. Outside smoking, thoughts of the girl and how I wish she were here.  

4:56: friend smashed my god damned wallet. I'm within three of finishing my damn holiday beer list and getting a Santa hat and a handy from the bartender. What the hell. 

5:13: friend just finished his 12 beers list. I still have two to go. Feeling pretty tipsy and prolly another Saturday to go. I feel pretty toasty and kind of sad. Anyways....

6:39pm: one friend

 denied peeing at bar number 2. Another friend  forced to give his phone number to a dude. And I'm buzzed in need of rescue. Halp!!!

7:49: one friend left. Porch beers outside. I can't feel my toes.  Back inside. Asked if can Facebook the hoes.  

9:08: long discussion on what is happiness and whether or not happiness is to be obtained. I disagree. Obviously. Talk of going to max's. Drinking to be continued, god damn it. 

10:42pm. Just figured out how to unbold my posts. Also just figured out that the original donkey kong is only three levels. My childhood memories crushed. Feeling pretty tired at this point. 

11:30pm: after reading things that I should know by now I have no business reading after drinking, I'm in a cab heading home.  I got upset. And sad. The things I do don't matter. They don't mean a damn thing.  It wouldn't have mattered if I'd have just stayed in bed this morning.  

11:48pm: I am home.  I can't put into words what I'm feeling. I lost today.  A couple of days ago I had this rejeuvenated never say die attitude. Keep the path, stay the course right? Today, I feel like a sucker.  Maybe I'm foolish. I just stood there like an asshole. And what do I show for it? An empty house and an empty life. Maybe in my next life I can play the part of the minimal effort guy until shit gets serious. 

50 degrees you say?

Porch beers I say! Uptown here I come. 

Coffee, Death, and Thanksgiving

Its been a busy couple weeks for me. I worked my last shift as a barista at my old coffee shop where I worked for almost six years.  I had a bunch of people pop in and say goodbye, it was emotional for me. I knew it was going to be, it was almost as if I was attending my own funeral. I saw a ghost or two that day. And tried as I might I couldn't catch it. I really wish I could. I'm sure I'll be writing about my coffee shop fiasco soon.

I went out of town shortly thereafter to attend a real funeral of a friend that I've kept up with through the years. She and I dated briefly many many years back. I received word through the grapevine that she had got into a car accident and died on the way to the hospital. I took a train out, stayed in a hotel overnight, caught the funeral and traveled back the next day. It's amazingly odd to me, even with the things that I've been through, to see someone you were intimate with lying in a coffin. Nothing that you can do or say matters anymore. From that moment on, the story that the two of you were writing is done. The book forever closed. I know it's unfair, and that's the way it is, doesn't stop it from being shitty. I'll miss her goofy emails.

I did appreciate taking the train. There's something about a train, and a group of strangers that is pretty amazing. Trains slow things down. Taking a plane its all a hectic rush to get on, get through, and get off and out of the airport. But riding a train for some reason slows everything down. You meet people, discuss jobs, reasons for travel, family, news. Every time I take a train it seems like I end up having wonderful conversations with people. I always head to the food car and sit, usually reading a paper. And whenever anyone hears where I work, my goodness, the questions pour in.

Which brings me to tomorrow. Thanksgiving. Or in my curmudgeonly self would call it...Thanks for nothing, day. I'm not in a great place in my life. Mentally, I'm a wreck. If someone would have told me a year ago that this is what things would be like for me next year.....well, shit, I would have not believed it and I would have said, "Fuck, that really sucks. Really? Fuck."

I don't want to be reminded of anything anymore. Most of all my failures in this life. Every time I go out to my families I get this sick feeling inside that makes me want to withdraw even more than I already have. Its like inviting a homeless person to a really extravagant ballroom party. They look like shit, with their clothes all beat up compared to everyone else. They're hungry as all hell, and everything looks so wonderful and they probably gobble everything down but soon realize that after its all over, they're still homeless. I don't need to see my family to realize what I don't have, and how much pain that brings me. It makes me feel awful. I love my brother dearly. Theres nothing I wouldn't do for him in the whole world. It's not his fault he has what he has, and he deserves better than to have a brother who can't share in that joy for him. I suck as a human being sometimes. It doesn't make me feel any better about any of it. So........

I'm doing Thanksgiving myself. My way. I'm having a group of about 6-8 wayward friends over for dinner, football, and festivities. I'm making a 18 pound turkey (which is brining in a bucket as we speak), stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy. We'll have green bean and almond casserole, fresh rolls, cranberry sauce, pumpkin and of course pecan pie. We'll have beers, and champagne, and some other shenanigans that some friends are bringing. There will be friends, and strangers. Acquaintances, and coworkers. Football, board games, cigars, and refreshments, all on full bellies.

I may not be getting to cook for the people that I had imagined that I'd cook for one day. But tomorrow I'll do what I do best, and that is to give.

Update: Great success

heard this today..

A long walk home

I walked home today after watching a movie at my best friends house. It was a nice night for it. It was after 1 am on a Sunday night. It was a nice fall evening, where you're slightly overdressed, and the cool fall breeze refreshes you as you walk. It's a bit of a hike, about 3.5 miles home, but for that hour and change I had the city to myself. There was the occasional car passing by, but I could have counted them on one hand. It was just me, the city and my thoughts. My thoughts about a girl.

Sometimes your best isnt good enough. Thats the one thought that kept repeating as I walked towards home. Passing monuments and memories as I walked. There was the gazebo that I made her pull over at in damn near record cold temperatures. There was the river we had walked by a few times. I think thats the thing that hurts the most. It's not like I half assed it. I don't have that to hang onto. I don't have a what if I would have done this differently or that differently. What if I paid more attention, what if I noticed she was upset. I did, and I did. I truly gave my best. Maybe even for the first time in my life. I didnt hold back. Not once.  I said what I felt, shared how I was feeling. I braved below zero weather with a 103 degree fever, I took the time to plan things to make her feel special.  I paid attention, made the effort.

I find in life we tend to play it safe. We hide behind our excuses to not do things, just for that reason. We can say, well...if I had only listened more. If I had only spent more time. If I had taken that chance. Sure you fail, but you have an excuse to pad your fall. It hurts so much more when we give our all and fail. There's a realistic truth in that. It strips you bare and leaves you naked. I don't have an excuse. I tried. I gave it my all. I failed. I wasn't good enough. With everything else in life, from trying for a promotion, to running a race, trying to get that elusive turkey in bowling, to making it to work on time, those all suck. But when it comes to love. When it comes to people. When it comes to someone who you stripped yourself down for, for the first time in your life. And they see the person that you are. And you do give it your all, and you fail. Well...you feel like a disappointment.

I still love her. I still think about her constantly. I don't give a shit who knows it or who doesn't. I'm sad without her in my life. I'm tired of pretending that I'm not. It's the truth. I refuse to live a god damned lie anymore. As shitty as I feel, I'd go back and do it all over again.

The problem is I don't know which I am....

I was racking my brain sitting here at this table until I remembered this suitable fable that gets at a truth, though it may well distort us. So here with the tale of the scorpion and tortoise.

The scorpion was hamstrung, his tail all aquiver, just how would he manage to get cross the river? The water's so deep, he observed with a sigh, which pricked at the ears of the tortoise nearby.

Well, why don't you swim, asked the slow-moving fellow. Unless you're afraid, I mean, what are you, yellow?

It isn't a matter of fear or of whim, said the scorpion, but that I don't know how to swim.

Ah, forgive me, I didn't mean to be glib when I said that. I figured you were an amphibian.

No offense taken, the scorpion replied. But how bout you help me to reach the far side? You swim like a dream and you have what I lack. Let's say you take me across on your back.

I'm really not sure that's the best thing to do, said the tortoise, now that I see that it's you. You've a less than ideal reputation preceding. There's talk of your victims all poisoned and bleeding. You're the scorpion, and how can I say this, but well, I just don't feel safe with you riding my shell.

The scorpion replied, what would killing you prove? We'd both drown. So tell me, how would that behoove me to basically die at my very own hand, when all I desire is to be on dry land?

The tortoise considered the scorpion's defense. When he gave it some thought, it made perfect sense. The niggling voice in his mind he ignored, and he swam to the bank and called out, climb aboard.

But just a few moments from when they set sail, the scorpion lashed out with his venomous tail. The tortoise, too late, understood that he'd blundered when he felt his flesh stabbed and his carapace sundered. As he fought for his life he said, tell me why you have done this for now we will surely both die?

I don't know, cried the scorpion. You never should trust a creature like me because poison I must. I'd claim some remorse or at least some compunction, but I just can't help it, my form is my function. You thought I'd behave like my cousin the crab, but unlike him it is but my nature to stab.

The tortoise expired with one final quiver, and then both of them sank, swallowed up by the river.

The tortoise was wrong to ignore all his doubts, because in the end, friends, our natures will out.



More to come....

A tale of two nights part two...

I'm actually surprised at how well part one came out, I was passing out on the couch with my eyes struggling to stay open while writing, so good job me. Anyway..

The other night that came about was a friend of a friends hot dog fest. It was strange last year, because out of the blue I started talking to Texas ex that same evening. I arrived late after work to find my friend already about half a case of beer in. I worked the room a bit and got to know some new people, but the majority of my evening was spent:

1. Eating copious amounts of hot dogs. There were 12 different dogs, topped all different ways. Everything from a hot dog wrapped in a mini pizza, to a 2 foot gourmet dog on a hoagie, to the classic twinkie wiener sandwich. Not nearly as nasty as it sounds.

2. Texting my ex from Texas. I'll refer to her as A from now on. It was strange to me that she was texting me but it was nice to kind of keep up. 

3. Keeping an eye on my drunk friend. For some reason he decided he couldn't pee until after he had 12 beers in him first. I love that guy to death, but he makes me scratch my head sometimes. 

4. Texting married ex.  Which from now on, just like the past blog I'm going to refer to as K. This was the most important one for me. But on that night as we exchanged texts back and forth it just seemed like we were trying to one up each other. She told me of how they went out on a walk, and had gone out to sonic.  It made me jealous, which I guess was the point. 

Which brings me to this year. Both of these fell on the same day.  I spent a lot of time between talking to people and playing weird Swedish lawn games, thinking about K. Wondering what it would be like to have her there. I imagined her hob knobbing between people that were there, maybe even getting a lead on a new job there. Probably joining in and being my partner during one of the rounds of the game. Probably shaking her head at me a few times. I'd like to think that she'd have had a great time. But then again maybe she'd have wanted to do the run instead. And as good as a time as I had at the hot dog thing, I'd have went with her. Why? Because I had a great time last year, and there'll be another hot dog fest next year. 

I think we're put on this earth to inspire each other. We're here to cheer each other on. To look at the person you're with and see that there are things that they need, voids that they may have that need to be fulfilled. Sometimes all we need is the encouragement of someone else to take that first baby step. Sometimes its just that itch that we cant scratch. The help with the first sentence of a page or letter may come from them, and then you go on to write a great book. 

Maybe its the fact that they care about us as we do ourselves that make us step out of ourselves and become more than we ever thought we could. Maybe its finding that one person that risks everything knowing its against the odds, against every one's advice. 

Its the only way I know how to live. 

a tale of two nights

Around a year ago there was two different events that came on this same evening this year. The first was a 5K in a graveyard. The second was a party of well hot dogs and what not..I'll explain. A year ago, I took part in the the graveyard run. I remember it well. It happened right after she had taken a vacation down to Virginia beach with her husband and another couple. I hated when she took vacations away. I didnt have access to her as I was want to do. I remember taking that week to kind of collect myself, but I emailed and talked about her constantly. I took the opportunity to take care of her garden when she was away. I took pictures of the plants and used that as an excuse to be close to her, and to feel somewhat connected to her. I remember being upset that on the night of the run that we were gonna be surrounded by her friends and sister. After a long week, all I wanted was time alone with her. We snuck off shortly after meeting again to walk to her car to put my stuff inside and we kissed, and I was relieved. All I wanted was reassurance.

During the race we kind of met back up and I took pictures of her and her sister that evening, talked to her and flirted with her, about what we would do if nobody else was around. After the race she, her sister, and friend and myself went out to dinner and waited in a long line trying to get seated at a neighborhood restaurant/bar.  I remember us being way too close, and showing a little too much affection toward each other while waiting for a table. I told her one time that if she continued to put her face so close to me I couldn't help but kiss her. And  I nearly did, right in front of her sister and friend.

We finally got a table after I threw my balls down and kinda demanded they push two tables together for us. We sat on the same side of the table, and it was amazing. It was the first time that the two of us, had been in a situation that I felt like we were a couple. She scolded me for being on my phone. We locked hands under the table, I caressed her leg, rested my hand on her thigh, all under the guise of just being her friend but at that moment I felt like her man.

At the end of the evening she drove me home with her sister. All I wanted was to spend anytime alone with her.  But i couldnt, i remember her caressing my knee and my hand before i  left.

Part 2 coming tomorrow, I'm drunk and super tired lol.

just a song today

Its gonna be a long day at the office so I'm just gonna leave you with a song. It just popped in my head this morning thinking about some occurrences of the last few days.

Enjoy.

Why do I do the things I do?

Everytime I get on that train I sell a little piece of my dignity. I walk out into a parking lot feeling as I'm some kind of creepy stalker. I've been attacked by birds walking down the path, I've been yelled at, drove off on, one time I just froze up and chickened out and ran away. 

The whole way I thought of getting off the train. Stop by stop telling myself that it would be easy to get back home from here. My hands were clammy, my stomach a nervous wreck. I stepped off the train and took a deep breath. And picked up my pace towards the parking lot. To find that she already left. 

The whole ride I just thought to myself that all I wanted was to see her. Extend my arms open and hug her. I don't want to talk anymore. There's really nothing to explain or try to negotiate anymore. She knows how I feel about her. I've only explained it a million times. The only thing left is two people. Two people who could really use each other.  I thought about what id say beyond the goofy hi that I normally gave her. I'd ask if she was ok. I don't know how she'd react upon seeing me. Happy or sad, relieved or upset. 

Last night after I got home and cooked dinner, the house grew quiet. I imagined her there eating dinner with me, just spending time talking about her work, her day, her life. I imagined her pregnant, wearing pjs getting up and asking me of I was going to come to bed. I imagined her peeking her head around the corner into the living room with a smile on her face. 

I am lost without her. My life is an empty shell of what it was with her around. My sunshine is gone. As much as I tried to make everyday of hers better she did that and so much more for me. And I know she'd love me quoting Vampire Weekend but here goes, " I don't want to live like this, but I don't want to die."

A tale of two cities

I talked to my ex last night for about an hour. Our talks are easy and fun. We've always had strong communication between the two of us. We could delve into different subjects and easily lose an hour discussing art or politics. Inevitably it always turns into a discussion of the things we miss. Little things like how I'd drive her to work. Or her always telling me to hurry home. 

After I got off the phone I realized that for the majority the last two relationships I was in offered me two seperate things. Texas ex offered me the domesticated home life I crave, the partner to spend time with to share my life with. The person you wake up with and look at and say, "hey, let's go have an adventure today." She's also the person that taught me the value of true honesty. She never glossed her feelings over for me. It allowed me to understand her and her motives for the things that she did. 

 

But in married ex I found exactly the person I wanted to do all those things with. We matched each other stride for stride. There was never an idea that didn't sound good to me. Antique shopping? Sure. Taking a bike ride around the city? Yes! We connected and hit on every single note possible. I never once found her annoying to be around. She never bored me. She was a giant sponge of the love I had to offer and she gave back as best she could. 

With her I never felt so loved and wanted. She reciprocated every hug and kiss, every hold of the hand, every caress of the fingers.  My ideas were always interesting to her too. The zoo, outdoor concerts and picnics. I think she even wanted to do the St Patrick's day parade even though she scoffed at it. 

What's my point? There's a reason I didn't head down to Texas the last time after my ex was in town and we kissed. The reason is that the person that I had found after her is truly the person I feel I was meant for. 

And did I mention smart as a whip? She knows what I'm going to do before i do it. Always two steps ahead. 

A letter to noone

It's just about a week ago two years ago that I met you. I still remember you behind the counter smiling as I walked up to collect my keys coming back from vacation. I knew that you had been hired, and I was curious about everything when I was told essentially that you were going to be replacing my good friend who I had met at work. It was curious at first. I didnt really want to let you in. I was sad that my friend was leaving me. This guy that I viewed almost as a little brother, someone that I from work spent almost as much time with than the girl I was living with. So we started slow. I watched you interact with our coworkers. I'm always a little timid at first. I never seem to know when to jump in when theres a new person about. Sometimes I can just take over the conversation, and leave the new person out. Kind of use my might and familiarity with the people around me to kind of push the new person in the background. Let them know that this is my space. But not you. You just have this ease with people. You just barge on in and the radiance that you carries just puts a smile on peoples faces. Theres not a single person that I can think of that you dont have that way about you with. It's always been something that I admired about you. Its something that rubs off as well. You made me more open, more friendly, and more jovial towards other people. But I digress...when I met you I found it hard to jump in. It really wasnt until the nights when we started closing alone started piling behind us that we started to really open up, well at least me. I admit that I had a crush on you from the get go. I was disappointed when I found out that you were married, even though I had a girlfriend at the time. But alas we started forming a fast friendship, and you went from coworker to confidant pretty quickly, you were always there with a kind word, and a funny quip to keep me going, all while having my side, and my back. You worried about me when I was not taking care of myself, and hated the invisible girl who was slowly but surely breaking my heart. The more that we talked, and the more time I spent with you, I started developing real feelings for you. I found myself making excuses to come to work when you were there, to find something, anything to do with you outside of work. Just to be near you, to sometimes feel your hand graze up against mine, to smell the scent of your shampoo in your hair, to smell you as you brushed by me. To sometimes secretly gaze at you from afar and watch you work, and interact with people with your wonderful smile. And we texted....my goodness did we ever. And I would get jealous even then when you would tell me things about your life at home. Sometimes, and I know you did purposely try to make me jealous. But you always looked forward to talking to me. You were always trying to get my attention, but you always had it. You just didnt know it. I tried to keep things as friends, but I could tell you liked me. It would have been easy if I didnt feel the same way as you did. I could have just kept the whole situation at arms length, but I just couldn't. I struggled with my feelings for you. What the hell would a married woman want with me? I didnt think I could ever have you. I just didnt forsee anyway that you'd ever feel for me more than just a crush. I still remember the night we made the leap. We had been flirting in texts for a couple days, and it was just building and building to an apex. You were working downtown, and taking the train back to your car that you had parked near work. We were getting all sorts of worked up, and then I told you what I would do to you if you came in. And you came in anyway. I pressed you up against the shelving in the back room. My hands going crazy, trying to touch all of you at once. Not knowing where to go, but I needed you. I wanted you more than I wanted anyone else in my life at that moment. Every inch of skin I touched, hotter than the last, my hands couldn't move fast enough, couldn't squeeze and touch enough. I slid my hands down inside your skirt, under your stockings and into your panties, and my god was that the hottest moment of my life for a long time. Feeling how wet and writhing you were for me. Sigh. That carried on for awhile until we had sex. And we had sex, and sex, and more sex. Each time better than the time before, no matter if it was grappling hot fucking, or as we found later on tender, soft connecting sex. It was the best I've ever had. Our bodies seemed to speak to each others. Telling each other what it wanted, what it needed. We rarely spoke, but we communicated novels with our naked bodies. I think the same went for us. You never had to tell me what you needed. I listened to what you had to say. I knew when you needed to be heard. To be supported. To be forgiven. To have someone have your back, just as you always had mine. I'd never turn my back on you. I know I've said it a million times in the past. But you really are the best person I ever met in my life. It's evident more to me now than it ever has been when we were together. I miss you from the moment I wake up in the morning until the time I go to sleep at night. Theres a void you left. And its not just you, or your texts, or your smile, or your smell, or your hugs, or even the way youd scuttle up to me and rest your head on me. The biggest void is in me. I'm not the same anymore. I was a better person with you than I will ever be on my own. I'm no longer the happy, quick with a joke, funny, lovable guy that you left. I miss that guy. I like the person I was when I was with you. I don't have much use for the person I am now. You gave me hope, everyday. I looked at you and I saw everything I ever wanted in that beautiful, wonderful smelling, simpson loving, knitting crazy, package. I saw a hope for a future, I saw a family, and a house, and chopping down trees for christmas, and lounging by the lake and traveling, and more than anything conversations, and talks about the future. I don't know what else to say. I look for you....everywhere. I stand out front of work every monday at 4:15, every wednesday I fight not taking a train ride. But I dont know what you want. I don't know if you still love me. I dont know if you still miss me. I don't know what to do. All I know is that I really do need you. I don't think I needed anyone in my life until I met you. And I don't think I've ever begged anyone of anything. But I will. I'm begging you. If you feel the way that I do, If you still long for a future, for a family. Please show me a sign. Lead me home. Love always, Dave

Should I stay or should I go

I'm in the same conundrum that I was in two years ago.

I'm post relationship, feeling the same empty void that I did then. I moved from the apartment that I was staying in just as I did then.  I'm going through the reasons I have to stay just as I did then. I'm meeting new people just as I did then trying to find new reasons to stay.  But it's different this time. I feel like I've finally met my match and I lost.

I love this city, I've given my all. But I feel like a ghost wandering down it's streets these days. No love given, none given back. New street. New neighborhood, but the smiling faces are gone. The familiar has become strange to me now.  Walks to the commute are different, I've changed the scenery, but the scenery hasn't changed me.  

I've been beckoned by my brother to come run his security firm in bumblefuck Kentucky. I could go, and live comfortably. Make good money, have health insurance, and probably buy a house.  Maybe it's time to give up hope of finding solace here in this city. Maybe it's time for me to learn that in the great lyrics of Matt and Kim.  "Concrete and cracks won't cut you deals"

I love you chicago, you just never loved me back. 

and even though it was written about New York, I think this fits how I feel about Chicago right now as well:

Home....for now

Well, I almost finished unpacking and setting stuff up and it occurs to me that I don't nearly have enough shit for this place. It's so god damned huge. 

There's the living room. Again I'm not a minimalist by default. I'm just coming from a studio apartment. 

My favorite part of the new place is the kitchen and dining room. Finally I can do some serious cooking. 

And there you go. Bathroom, sad sad bedroom, and hallway. Badcat seems to like it though. 

All I can say is for now it's very empty and kind of a blank slate. No memories. I don't know if that's a good thing or not yet. 

Its been a few days..

I finished the move, but not the unpacking. I guess thats going to be my goal today.

This is just a preview....I still have lots to clean, organize and get ready. But its a crazy amount of space over what I had.

I'll take pics and if I can find pics of the old place I'll compare them together. Its gonna be a lot of room to fill. I'm already up a full size couch.

I wish I could say that I'm in the best of spirits. I'm just not. There's two songs flowing around my brain lately, i dont know which is more true.

I'm not even fooling myself

I have type one diabetes. It's a bitch of a disease. I am in constant battle with weight loss, feeling tired and run down, miscalculations on carbohydrates that leave me shaky, and just in general I don't feel "good" ever.

Last night at 3am, about 4 hours before I needed to wake up for work, I woke up in a sweat, and I was super weak and shaking. I knew that before bed I had taken insulin to counter my nightly chocolate milk and cookies before bed, but I must have miscalculated...by a bunch.

I got up and immediately went to where my testing kit was, and put in a lancet (thing that pokes your finger), and hit the button for my nifty little machine to spit out a testing strip. E5? What the fuck is an E5? Aint nobody got time for that! So at this point I have a bloody finger, an error code that I think I saw on a copier once, and a snoring roomate that I'm trying not to rouse.  I open the door on the back of the machine, shut it, and hit the button...it whirls and makes noises and finally shits out a strip. I test my blood sugar and I'm rocking a 45. Not good.

So i grab some raisinettes, make a little chocolate milk, and sit down and eat chocolate at 3am, all bleary eyed, sweating and shaking like a leaf. I smoke a cigarette after just to kind of get my heart rate up a little and maybe speed up the distribution of some sugar in my system. And then it hits me, I'm a fucking retard. I could die, and at that moment the person who I'm still in love with, my last words for were harsh. Sigh, maybe deservedly so, but I didn't mean what I said. The last message I wrote to her was, "I guess fuck me for caring about you."  I still care about her, I still love her more than anything.

I wanted to grab my phone right at that moment and leave a message on her voicemail, just take the phone out into the hallway and tell her what was in my heart. Tears were welling in my eyes. I felt an awful nagging feeling in my soul. I miss her. I suppose my smoking must have woke up the roomate, and he asked why I was up. I told him that I was having a bout of low blood sugar and needed to stay up until I felt right. I didnt want to explain getting up and calling her to him. I know he'd understand why, he wouldnt agree, but he'd understand. I just didnt feel like having that talk at 3am.

But it's nagged at me all day. All I want to do is tell her that I love her. I still do. I never stop missing her for a moment. No matter what I do, or whom I'm with, I'd always rather it be her. I look off into the distance, and look for her, for her car. These things are supposed to get better with time, so why is it feel harder. Why does it feel like everyday that passes, I get weaker, and gravity gets stronger? I'm not happy anymore. She took that with her. I just feel like I'm going through the motions. I wanted her to hear my voice when I said these things to her. But I just can't. I can't deal with the rejection. I can't deal with it, not from her. I don't ever want to see anything on her face but a smile to see me. I don't want to hear anything but happiness in her voice when I talk to her.

It's the reason why the last time I went out to see her, I chickened out. I couldnt face her telling me I wasnt wanted around anymore. I watched as she walked to her car and drove past. I hoped that she'd stop but she didnt.

I've broke my promise. It's just one I couldn't keep.

My neighborhood.....or Vaya con Dios uptown

I'm feeling a little nostalgic this evening, a little down i guess. My time in my neighborhood is slowly coming to a close, and god damn if I'm not feeling sad about it. I miss the girl too. But thats a subject for another time.

I moved over here about three years ago, and if you count the fact that I spent the majority of my time spending the night at my exes apartment, you can say that I've spent the better part of the last four years living on pretty much the same block.

I moved here, and it was supposed to be temporary. My ex and I lived together in a much nicer neighborhood, but she moved to go to school in Texas. She was going to stay with her parents for awhile, and after a year I was going to move down there and we were going to get a new start, and a new apartment in Dallas. So I moved a block away from my work. It was cheap, close, would save me money on transportation, and I already knew the area. I knew that it sucked though. Lots of crazy people, lots of poor people, and gang violence up the ass. But I knew where most of the gang violence was located and knew that I could probably get away with avoiding those areas for a year. 

Things broke off with the ex. Long distances, and part of her having this instinct to run at the sight of anything too serious doomed our relationship. But I stayed, and I healed. I met my best friend who lived right down the block from me. I had a relationship with a woman, that was pretty much contained in this neighborhood. I fell in love twice, and had my heart handed back to me twice. But I'm gonna tell you, over the last four years, I fell in love with this shitty part of town. 

Walking off the train tonight, feeling the warm breeze against my skin as I walked "home" for one of the last times, I began to remember all the good things about this place. Everyone knows me, I chat with the owners of the shops over here. Through my constant "porch beers" I pretty much know everyone on the block. We stop and chat, I ask them about things going on in their lives and they do the same to me. "hey were you around when that guy locked himself in the bathroom and the cops ran in guns drawn?" "Nope." But I heard about it. 

This is the first time in my life I can say that I've experienced what community feels like. About neighbors reaching out and being interested, about the little chats you share when you walk to the train to go to work, or when you bump into them at the local coffee shop. I love them all. 

But I have signed on to leave this neighborhood in which I am mayor. Sadly I guess I must resign.  But the memories I have will remain, porch beers, friends, lovers, my little apartment, Christmas trees, and snowy nights, the local watering hole, and trivia, walks to the beach, and to my favorite store. 

So now I look forward to February, its gonna be my first opportunity to come back home. 

When it rains it pours

So after a long hiatus it appears I'm back on the dating scene. I have three dates with three different girls this week. Two are long time customers at a coffee shop that I work at, that I had no clue had interest in me. Word gets out pretty quick that you're available when you work with a tightknit crew such as a neighborhood shop, and apparently everyone knows your business. Which is fine, it makes explaining your situation a little easier. But anyway, one girl had been coming in for years, and she approached me about fixing her computer and offered to pay by taking me out for a drink. After that night, I recieved another text asking if I'd like to hang out again.

The second girl, also a long time customer of the coffee shop was someone I kind of flirted with whenever I had the chance, she has a kid, and because of how she looks I just assumed that she had a boyfriend or whatever. Turns out she's a single mom. Over a smoke outside she asked me where I hung out in the neighborhood. I brought up the local watering hole, and said we should go have a drink there and conversate, and she ended up giving me her number, I gave her mine, and before I was off work she texted and asked when I was free. So we made plans for my next day off.

The third is the girl I just met on the train, we already went out once. She's a bit shy and reserved, coupled with my own shy and reserved side, I don't really know how we're gonna get each other out of our own shells, but we've been talking on the phone and texting a bit so its coming along. She's nice. But she doesnt really get my sarcastic dark sense of humor, which,  jesus christ, is really my only form of communication anymore. Haha.

Honestly, I hate all of it. I'm the worst bachelor ever. I suck at dating. I dont wanna learn this shit about another person again. I don't want to tell my shitty life story again. I just want to be. I want someone who just gets me. I'm really not all that fucking complicated. Be nice to me, laugh at my stupid jokes, swoon at my advances, fuck me, and god damn will I move mountains for you. The end.

So anyway, thats whats on my agenda. Keep swimming, just like the fucking shark I am. I just can't keep swimming in the lakes that I'm used to. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, I'm so tired of all this.

It's bidness time...

I work at a place that sells computers. I love computers. I used to build computers. But I'm not most people. I understand that. We get people in all the time that cant even operate or set up a router to use their newfangled stuff with. So I get the question.....why don't you guys offer a service where a person comes out and can help me with this stuff. We just don't. So I have to turn away the little old lady who politely asks me where she can purchase the internets, or doesn't know that wifi doesnt come from a modem, and theres no coax connector for your laptop.

Until recently.

This lady came in and was PERSISTENT that someone come and help her. Anyone. So, finally I handed her my card, wrote my number on the back and said look. I don't do this usually, so its new for me, but I'll come over and show you some stuff on your device and hook up your router for you. She called later that evening, I went over the next day and set it all up for her, answered all of her questions, and was out the door. "How much do you charge?", she asked. "Just pay me what you think is fair.", I said. She opens up her purse, and hands me a hundred dollar bill. I look at her and say," do you feel ok with that?" "Would you like more?" At that point I was thinking.....holy shit, this woman would pay more.....to set up a router.....one hour?.....jesus, i've been doing it wrong.  So I told her no, and thanked her, and said if you ever need anything else give me a call and went on my merry way. 

Next day, a guy comes in needing migration done on his computer, oh and his printer set up wireless, can you unlock two phones for my trip as well?  4 hours. Pay me what you think.......$250. On my way out, hey do you think you can come back and teach my wife how to use her stuff, oh and I have a guy that opened up a consulting firm, would you be interested in an IT job? 

So, I think I'm gonna continue doing this little venture of mine for awhile. I love helping people, and if this whole pay me what you think thing keeps going, then damn..I'll take a 60 buck an hour job anyday. 

With all that said, life's ok. Its most certainly taking a turn.