I miss your face.
I'm still unhappy. I fill myself with false strength thinking that somehow this makes me a better person.
It doesn't. That not contacting you one ups you, and shows you that I don't need you. But its a lie. It only makes me that much more unhappy and alone for denying myself something that made me happy.
I don't put you on a pedestal. You are a person with flaws. But you were my person.
I date. I fuck. I push away and deny those people for not replicating the thing that I felt for you. I don't want them to love me, because it is a love I cannot reciprocate.
I still love you. I still thought long and hard about you on the 22nd. I still read our blog, and our texts. I close my eyes and imagine you still around.
Does any of this sound familiar? Am I still in that heart of yours? Is your life better without me in it? I'm tired of missing you. I'm tired of not having you in my life any more. That man that you fell in love with is still here. The guy that wouldn't stop fighting still lives in my heart. I haven't stopped looking for you in crowds. I never stopped hoping.
But I can only go so far without you. I need you to meet me half way. So if you feel a certain twinge, a certain desire right now to reach for your phone, a certain longing in your heart. Text me, call me, write me a letter. Reach out to me. Because theres nothing I want more than to hear from you. Even if you are a jerk.
Love,
D
(also a jerk)
