i've been working on a new post, but for now...just a song

Christmas and sustained happiness

It's Christmas Eve and I'm heading off to work until 5pm. After work I'm going to do some last minute grocery shopping and then go home.  

I'm going to be alone this Christmas, and it's going to suck.  Most of my friends are all transient. They all have families in Michigan, Wisconsin, or out in the burbs. So I can't really hide myself away amongst them. Tomorrow, when I wake up, I have to face the wound without the dressing....I am alone. 

Most people will wake up and have a great morning, be in the warmth and glow of their loved ones. Most people will have the excitement of gifts, and family, laughter and travel.  I will not. 

There will be no presents for me. Nobody took the time out of their day to figure out what I wanted. Took the time to make a card, and decorate it so carefully. There will be no hugs, no kisses, no I love yous. I didn't buy one single present. And the one person that I would have bought for wouldn't be able to accept what I would have bought anyway. But most of all nobody wanted to be where I am. 

I'm not looking for pity. I know there are thousands upon thousands of people like me. I also know that this is all my fault. I made my bed by shooting for sustained happiness instead of the sure thing. I never take the easy road, well, because the easy road is never the road with the most reward.  I know what it takes to make me happy and I know that its never the things that are easily obtained. 

Even with people. Everyone has baggage. Everyone has flaws. I always tend to try to look at the long term with someone I'm involved with. Even if I know that in the short run it'll be rough. I do this because I know that beyond the initial meeting that they posess qualities that will keep me interested long term. 

Simular goals, interests, sex drive.  My sex drive isn't something that fades, so I know that I need someone who can keep  up. My interest in doing things needs to be met as well, so I try to match myself with someone with similar interests. That way we never get bored of each other.  

I take chances, and I fail for the most part. I've failed so far. But I've tried. 

Something is different this year though. I'm a little bit sadder. A little bit more drawn back. My life is passing by so quickly. All I want to do is freeze time. Be able to move through without worrying about everything. 

So fuck you Christmas.  Fuck you for making me feel like shit. Only one more week for another reminder of what a miserable piece of shit my life is. Thank you. 

Holidays 2010

No live blog today. Just a post I've been working on for about a week now. 

I met Alex around the end of the holiday season 2009, we were still getting a feel for each other, and she was being pretty flighty. So we really didn't start going out regularly until the beginning of February 2010. 

Our first real date was actually on valentines day. I kept racking my brain over what I should or should not do to mark the occasion. Didn't want to get flowers or anything like that, and then I thought wouldn't it be funny if I got fake flowers. Fake flowers led me to the thought of those flowers that magicians have, where they pull them out and wallah! Flowers! That thought led me to a scavenger hunt to find a real magic shop, which led me to purchase of said flowers and a magic wand. Both of which she still holds in a vase. 

But this post isn't about our relationship persay. It's about the holidays that year. 

Alex traveled a lot. She had a part time gig in her families firm as a consultant for business expo's. She was gone most times for a few days. The holidays were no different. Her family lived in Florida, so she would go there to visit. 

Thanksgiving was approaching and we talked about what we would do. I offered to come with her. To spend time with her. But she didn't want to take me away from my family. So instead we did thanksgiving at our apartment, and invited family and friends over to join us on the Sunday before thanksgiving. We did the whole spread, drank, played games, and ended up capping the evening off at a local dessert place. 

That brings us to Christmas time.  Alex and I always shared a love of the holidays.  We'd carve pumpkins, roast seeds, and go to costume parties for Halloween. We'd do the fireworks for the 4th, finding somewhere to grill out. St pattys day, I'd dress up as a leprechaun and she'd wear some outlandish green and white striped concoction with green stars on her head. So Christmas was a natural fit for us. 

She had a tree in a box in the closet. We really could have just used that one. But we decided since it was our first year together to get new stuff, and a real tree. 

Anyone that knows me, or should I say at least has been with me knows why I always want a real one. It's because fake trees can't usually support the tree toppers that I'd want to use. And the topper of the tree is everything.  So we went out shopping for decorations, decided on stockings for the cats. 

There was a Home Depot not too far from home, so we did the whole real tree thing of strapping it to the roof, and schlepping it home. We got it home and put it in it's stand and decided that we wanted to make a whole thing of decorating it. So we saved it for the next day. 

I for some reason thought that I'd love hot buttered rum, and Alex, well she never met a form of rum she didn't enjoy. So I made a whole log of brown sugar, butter, clove and nutmeg.  We heated the rum up on the stove and plopped our brown sugar slices into mugs. It produced the worst tasting holiday beverage I've ever tasted, and mind you I still can't bring myself to drink eggnog.  Alex was sweet though. She said it was good, and choked it down enough to be believable, even though the remainder of that log lived in our freezer the duration of the time we lived in that apartment. 

We went to the local target and decided on a color scheme. She let me pick the topper. I big copper star. All nice and heavy. Unlit so it didn't look cheesy. 

We spent the rest of the night taking our time putting the tree up, talking about Christmas' past. We talked about what Christmas meant to us, what we'd like it to be. I told my family that she'd be joining us. She decided to do Christmas early with her parents so we could spend the day together. 

That's not to say we weren't going through some tough times. She was in danger of getting laid off. A danger that proved to be right. She had only been called back recently to work and after a month of her working things were just starting to ease up a little. But I could see the stress in her. All I could think of was trying to make things better. I told her that no matter what I'd keep us afloat. 

I ended up buying her something's I knew she wanted, and needed. She traveled a lot so I bought her a nook. She was an avid reader and loved reading on the plane. She wanted a video camera, so I did research and bought one from b&h. She wanted to start documenting our life and things we did. I remember her using it later on taping me playing disc golf the first time. My first toss I ended up throwing a ten dollar frisbee onto a roof. We watched it later and she made fun, and we laughed and laughed. I said I should have taped the camera to the frisbee. 

The last gift wasn't really a gift at all. She had a pair of headphones that had a short in the wire. She taped those things up so much and so often. But finally they crapped out on her. She hated using the pair of crappy earbuds so much.  So I looked up a place to have them fixed. Picked them up a day or two later. I think it cost me 15 bucks to fix. So I wrapped those up too. 

Christmas Eve came, and we sat on the floor listening to Christmas music. Trying to keep cats out of being wrapped up along with the gifts. We shared in each other's traditions. Hers was a bottle of champagne and potatoe chips, mine was watching the best Christmas movies ever...bad Santa and die hard. Another of my traditions is that I can't keep a surprise to save my life so I made her open the video camera so she could use it Christmas morning. She was happy and immediately handed it to me to set up as is my job in most relationships. I'm the tech nerd. I soon discoverd that I forgot a sd card, but being as it was a sony product I just took the memory out of my play station to fix that problem. 

That night as I went, or as it usually was, I was called to bed, I was pretty happy. I went to bed with knowing that the person I'd wake up with was someone I loved and who loved me. Someone that made an effort. Someone that took the time everyday to make me feel important. Just the little things. Telling me to hurry home. Meeting me at work so we could go home together.  I slept without worry of her not being there the next day.  Little did I know that it'd be the last time, or that I wouldn't have that feeling since. 

Christmas morning came, and after sleeping in a bit I woke up first.  I got up and went into the kitchen and made breakfast and coffee. And while the biscuits were in the oven, I walked into the bedroom with a premade cup of coffee. I sat on the bed with both our cups of coffee and leaned over and kissed her forehead awake.  She smiled and said, "coffee for me?" I told her that I made breakfast as well.  "And breakfast?"  Yup.  

We sat down and ate breakfast, watching the parade on tv. Both in our pj's, or should I say both in mine.  After we were done I asked if she wanted to open presents.  So we did. She loved her nook. And immediately she wanted me to sync her Barnes and noble account.  I smiled because I know she's smart enough to figure it out, but she's also smart enough to know that nothing makes me feel more important than setting up electronics. 

She tore open the last gift and she immediately threw her arms around my head. The twenty dollar repair was the winner. And I kind of knew it would be. It was the most thoughtful gift of them all. Knowing what she needed and wanted most and being sneaky in getting the repaired for her made it special. 

After we were done, and sitting on the floor playing with our new toys, we just hung out until early afternoon. 

We spent the rest of the day hanging out with my family. Drinks were consumed, dinner was eaten, presents were opened. She was amazed at how laid back it was with my family. We're not cheesy, we don't make airs. She was also taken aback at the amount of stuff she recieved from them.  One thing about my family is they'll go out of their way to make you feel welcome. "I think they gave me more stuff than they gave you."  Yup. That wasn't by accident. 

New Year's Eve was a little different. Awhile back I saw one of my favorite bands was playing a show nye. I really wanted to go to that show. I was growing tired of going out and getting plastered every nye, so I thought a show would be cool. One day while I was working late oct, Alex texted me about her favorite band playing that night. I asked her how much tickets were. I knew at that moment that that's the show we'd go see. 

She had been down about work, life, and a lack of friends. I asked what her best friend was planning that night and she said that she was going to be out of town. I wanted to make sure raft there wasn't other options where she might have more fun. So I bought the tickets. 

That night before the concert we stopped at the liquor store and picked up a bottle of champagne to enjoy at home after the concert. 

Nye I worked, I hurried home, I got dressed up, as did Alex. Everything seemed alright. We walked to the concert, braving the cold. We sat up in the balcony for the first act. Then her band came on. We wandered down to the main floor. Just before midnight as they were doing the countdown, I looked over to see her eyes welled with tears. I saw one tumble down her cheek. 

I asked her if everything was alright, if she wanted to leave. I asked if it was something I did. She said, "no honey, you're great." She forced a smile for me. We kissed at midnight. A long deep meaningful kiss. But those tears told me everything. 

She was unhappy with her life. Not unhappy with me, but as hard as I tried I couldn't take the place of friends, a good job doing something that she loved. A town that she loved as much as I loved it here. 

Six months later she'd be gone, but that Christmas was the last I remember being happy, being fulfilled. 

C'mon Santa. I know I've been on that good boy list for awhile now. Maybe it's the fact that what I want can't be made by little elves.  

 

Saturday live blog:

12:42pm 

Yay snow!!! And it's actually kind of nice out. I have my ears exposed for Christ sakes. And they haven't fell off?!?

12:49pm

I slept all the sleeps last night. And after hanging out with my friends last night, which was a great time btw, I feel surprisingly good.  We drank beers, had deep dish pizza, and ended up gambling on computer wrestlers, wrestling each other. 

12:53pm

Today has a weird feel to it. I'm running late for brunch. But already in contact with all those involved, and a bus was waiting for me when I got to the corner. Dare I say today has a........... Happy......feel to it? 

1:01pm.

Seriously. I can't make this shit up. So we pull up to a bus stop and this little Mexican dude is shoveling off the stop. He gets on and doesn't pay.  He just goes and sits down. The bus driver keeps calling up front to him. He says, I shoveled the bus stop out! 

Bartering is alive and well my friends. 

1:50pm

Gingerbread coffee in tow, we're back in the warmth of the fat cat. I think I have two beers I need to drink. Deciding between biscuits and gravy and pancakes and bacon. 

3:00pm

Delirium Noel. Potent potables. Discussion of why the post office should raise the cost of stamps to at least a buck. I have one more beer until Santa hat! 

3:50pm:

Last beer is founders breakfast stout. And Santa hat is on the way. Look at me. Who says I can't accomplish things?! I'm gonna wear this the rest of the day. Haha. Or should I say Ho Ho Ho.  

Ahem. 

Supposedly, I get my pic on the wall of fame here, and get entered in for some 4L bottle of champagne. We already decided if we win it, it's gonna be consumed on the porch. 

5:47pm:

Being that it's not horrible outside, we're having beers outside. Tried to make a snowman but snow isn't cooperating. Boo non packing snow. 

7:25pm

Talking about 80's porno and what we used to well pleasure ourselves to, I guess is the nice way to put jerk off.  Anyway, apparently we've all scoured the internet to find those first vids. Mine was an unfindable video of Sharon Mitchell as a referee in a locker room.   Man I'd love to find that video. 

10pm: 

Decide that rather and go to another bar that I know is a bad idea, I'm gonna pack it up, grab some food somewhere and go home.  The idea of being hungover all day tomorrow just doesn't sound appealing to me, and let's face it. There's nothing good that will come of me going to another bar. 

I'm tired. This lifestyle really isn't me to begin with. I really wish I could quiet things down, do things that I really want to do.  But nobodies interested in going thrifting, or heading down to the field museum to see an exhibit.  Nobody wants to go grocery shopping and spend the day trying to cook some extremely hard and complicated recipe, and then enjoy it with a bottle of wine.  Well....except me. 

10:40pm:

Find random shit at Walgreens to stiff in facehole.  Seeing people filing in and out European club on kedzie. Wondering why my life is so lame. 

11:00pm:

And I'm home.  Microwaving up some convenience store vittles and gonna sit down and probably watch some tv.  Right now I'm just looking out my window at the quiet street below.  It's funny to me that we're rarely where we wanna be. I know I try to be there, and I remember times when I was.  Why is it such a long road back? 

Don't get me wrong, there are times when I like my solitary existence. Times when I get to stay up late and watch tv, or do late night internet browsing. Read about the cubs, and whatever the next gizmo is gonna be.  But for the most part I miss being more domesticated.  

I think my next blog post will go into a little more depth of the man I am.  But with that I'm gonna call it a Saturday. I got work in about 12 hours.  All in all not a bad day. 

Early morning.

You know the people that tell you that nothing good happens after 2am? Those are people that are usually fast asleep at 2am, and have been for many hours. 

I can tell you that I've had fun after 2am, I've had fun and drunken debotchery. Yeah it's probably all misadvised at that point but regardless. Fun.  

So with that I have a new saying.  Nothing good ever happens before 9am. The walk to the train at 5:45am. All dark and snowy and cold. Half asleep conversations with clerks. For what? I'm not a god damned farmer. Look at this fucking 6am party:

Holy shit break out the mirror ball and champagne. This party is off the hook!! Ahem. 

There was a time when I used to be in bed by 11pm.  And I didn't mind it. But outside of the bed and the house nothing good happened. Myself and whoever I lived with would always dread going out and just wanna stay home anyway. 

Hmph on you 6am. At least I'm off at 1:30 today. Yay. I'll probably just go home and nap. 

So this is for you, you morning warriors:

Tuesday schmoozday

Figured I'd make a quick blog about my day. Tuesdays are early days for me usually. I have to be at work at 8am. I guess that's called normal for most folk. 

But I'm up at 6am. I make coffee, smoke a cigarette. Apparently the cat thinks we can communicate so we discuss her breakfast.  Then I sloph off my pjs hop in the shower. I usually have another cup of joe as I get dressed. 

I did debate calling in sick because it was 11 billionty degrees below zero out.  But I trudged on. Stopped at Starbucks and smoked another cigarette while waiting for the train. 

The first train is normal, but god damn my transfer train every day is like origami sex party 2024. I literally have to throw myself at a wall of people just to get on.  And when people want off at the next stop it's like watching the most bizarre game of twister you've ever seen. 

Which brings me to tonight. I'm generally a live and let live kind of dude. But man this fucking dude with his book, blocking the door pissed me off. He wouldn't step aside for people getting on. Just kept standing there, and then on top of it shaking his head as if others are rude.....for getting on the god damned train!! 

So on my way out I wouldn't step aside. I pointed his ass off the train.  Then as I passed I put my shoulder into him a little. Fuck that dude. 

Anyway. Cat needs food, as do I... Gotta run. 

i need some time to digest the day.

 I don't want to leave the house. I want to stay in. But there's nothing for me here. Yeah, i could sit and watch tv, read stuff on the internet, cook a nice dinner for myself on my last day off until saturday. But here's the thing, I hate cooking for myself. Cooking for myself is always such a love/hate relationship. I make a big ass steak, sautee up some veggies, make a big baked potatoe, and that parts all fine and good. I'm busy, I'm productive, I have to make sure that everythings done at the same time. It's the when you're done cooking that gets me. The bringing the plates and beverage and sitting it on the table, and looking at it. Meal for one, turn on the tv and thats it.

 I was asked today, when the last time I was single was. That would be almost four years ago. I was single for 2 years. I didnt sleep with anyone, didnt meet anyone, came home, hung out with friends and did exactly the thing that I'm doing now. I don't like being alone. It's not that I can't do it. I've done it before. It's just that I get so little joy out of things that I do on my own. Everything I do is better with people.

I know why I am that way. Sigh.  The majority of my childhood was spent alone. Alone outside, making up games to entertain myself. Pitch the ball up, hit it, go walk after it. Repeat 1000 times. Go exploring in the woods. Have imaginary friends to talk to.  Play the video game system my mom bought for me before she died.  Being alone reminded me of everything that I had lost. I had friends, and sleepovers. I had classmates that liked me, I did well in school. I came home to hugs and scrambled eggs and the Cubs games on WGN, just for me.  After that I had nothing. I came home to clean out bed pans, cook dinner, change oil. Maybe I'd get the occasional choking from my "uncle", or the always fun, "you're a worthless piece of shit."

So I'd go, I'd be alone, I'd cry. Things weren't any better for me at school being thrust into a kind of rich neighborhood being poor, and misunderstood.  So I was made fun of. I planned on killing myself then.

But there were moments that I'd get a brief reprieve from all of that shit. It's when I did something for someone. I would do things out of the ordinary for classmates, or cousins. I had a weird ability to tell when people were hurt and needed something. Later I found out that it's because I'm wired differently than most folk. But it made me feel good. It was the only thing that did. People, and making their lives just a little better, or listening, and empathizing.

 Its part of the reason I had season tickets to the cubs. I got to take people to games. Sometimes, even little old ladies who in their 60+ years of being on this earth have never been. I take enjoyment from that. I got to share that moment with her. It was because of something I did that she has a memory of someone being kind, and showing her something that she never had before. It's a little selfish sure. But I never denied it. A couple years ago, we had a customer that came into work all the time, and I knew he was going to be alone on Christmas, so I walked up to a local pub and sat and had a few drinks with him. He told me about his life, and how hard of a past he had. Life's not fair. I know that. But shit, nobody should be alone on Christmas. His life reminded me of my own, and it scared me a lot. I could and probably very will end up like him. I withdrew myself from talking to him as much as I used to.

 I try. I try to go out of my way to make things better. If there's something I can do to put a smile on the face of those close to me, I'll do it. It doesnt cost me a thing. Maybe a little time, maybe a little effort. But the way I look at it is time is finite. Sure there's always a part of me that says, go ahead, go back to sleep. It doesnt matter if you do that thing. But it matters to me, because at some part of the day both sides catch up, and meet. The things I do may not always have the impact on the people that I'd hope they have, but it matters to me. I didn't waste that time. I did something that I thought could change things.

 Anyway...I went off on a tangent there. I don't like being alone, yet I am. Would I like to just stay in and cook a nice meal for someone that just got off a shitty job that they hate, have it ready for them with a big hug hello? Yes. Thats what I would prefer my evening to be like. To sit and talk and joke. To make love, and dream. To have someone care about me. Go to sleep together. But thats not happening. So, in spite of what I want in life. I'll go out and be with people. I'll go watch a meaningless football game, and hear jokes about farts and other guy type stuff. I'll probably drink a few beers and try to be happy, all knowing at the end of the night is a long journey home to an empty apartment with nobody to share with.

Saturday live blog

6:45 am: I know it's gonna be cold. God damn it. Snooze

7:00 am: all I wanna do is sleeep. But I told someone I'd do something and I don't want to not be there. Must have coffee. 

7:22 putting on as many layers as I can while drinking as much coffee as I can. Broke out an old coat I haven't wore for awhile. 

7:50. Leaving the house. God damn is it cold out. Only a mile walk to the train. Guh

8:06am: Starbucks has a line. 

8:10am: I missed the damn train. Now I wish I would have left earlier. I hope I make it in time. 

8:16am: train comes. New wallet sucks because I can't scan my card through it. 

8:50am: off the train, really have to pee. No bathrooms. Soldier on buddy.

9:09 I'm at my destination. So many people geez, and I missed the start. 

10:10 am: after much is that them. Is that them, is that them? And I few I think so's Im heading home. I can barely feel my toes and my bladder is gonna rip in half. Too much coffee

11:15 off the train and at the same Starbucks I started at. Finally relieved of used coffee. Yay

11:36am: finally back home.  Start to peel off many layers of clothes. 

11:45: awwwwww. My morning was worth it after all. 

11:46: type up email. Feel super emotional. Feel tears well up. 

11:48am: no time to nap. Have to leave in a bit to go to brunch. Same time every week. 1pm meet in front of different Starbucks. 

12:00pm: another cup of coffee. 

12:34 pm: leaving for brunch meow. Much less clothes on.  Still dread walk to the bus. 

12:48: bus driver arguing with a Spanish woman that doesn't understand her for ten cents. I throw a quarter in, and say there ya go. If all of life's problems could be solved so easily. Note to bus driver: it's ten fucking cents. 

12:55: update all friends via text that I'm on my way. Don't expect responses per usual. Why am I always the one that had to hold shit together. God I'm tired. Await arguement over which place we'll go to, and then always settle on the place that has beer. We'll see if I'm wrong. 

1:00pm: well shit. There's a Irish Christmas market by the brown line. I wanna go! Ok. I realize that nobody else wants to and know that I probably won't. Hmph!  Still no response from friends. 

1:12pm:  more coffee. Christ. Text from one friend that they are gonna be late so we should go grab a beer and wait. So there we go. Fat cat it is.  So I guess this is the point where I apologize beforehand for my writing before I write it. I tend to get a little emotional and more open whilst with drink. Sorry.  At least food will be involved at some point.  Speaking of which. I was reminded late last night of a time I had daytime margaritas. Heh. 

1:36 pm: heard a ghost popped into my old job this morning. Huh.  I have seven beers left on my 12 beers of Christmas left. Having a Sierra Nevada celebration with a fried egg sammich side of bacons. Thoughts creeping in. Boo. 

1:49: 

2:27pm: after talks about worrying about whether you worry about people seeing your farts in the winter, and whether or not wu tang call them selves clansmen, I have a cigarette and order my second beer. A revolution brewery fistmas ale. Yay.  Also my friend broke his taint. 

2:43: proclaimers, I'm gonna be playing on the stereo. Sigh. 

3:02: Great Lakes Christmas ale and a very distasteful portrait of Jesus on a sail celebrating Christ-mast. Lol

4:06 am. I had a southern tier 2xmas, and about to order a Breckinridge Christmas.. In the mean time told the story of my first sexual experience and a pen exploding in my pants on a white leather couch. No Bueno. Outside smoking, thoughts of the girl and how I wish she were here.  

4:56: friend smashed my god damned wallet. I'm within three of finishing my damn holiday beer list and getting a Santa hat and a handy from the bartender. What the hell. 

5:13: friend just finished his 12 beers list. I still have two to go. Feeling pretty tipsy and prolly another Saturday to go. I feel pretty toasty and kind of sad. Anyways....

6:39pm: one friend

 denied peeing at bar number 2. Another friend  forced to give his phone number to a dude. And I'm buzzed in need of rescue. Halp!!!

7:49: one friend left. Porch beers outside. I can't feel my toes.  Back inside. Asked if can Facebook the hoes.  

9:08: long discussion on what is happiness and whether or not happiness is to be obtained. I disagree. Obviously. Talk of going to max's. Drinking to be continued, god damn it. 

10:42pm. Just figured out how to unbold my posts. Also just figured out that the original donkey kong is only three levels. My childhood memories crushed. Feeling pretty tired at this point. 

11:30pm: after reading things that I should know by now I have no business reading after drinking, I'm in a cab heading home.  I got upset. And sad. The things I do don't matter. They don't mean a damn thing.  It wouldn't have mattered if I'd have just stayed in bed this morning.  

11:48pm: I am home.  I can't put into words what I'm feeling. I lost today.  A couple of days ago I had this rejeuvenated never say die attitude. Keep the path, stay the course right? Today, I feel like a sucker.  Maybe I'm foolish. I just stood there like an asshole. And what do I show for it? An empty house and an empty life. Maybe in my next life I can play the part of the minimal effort guy until shit gets serious. 

50 degrees you say?

Porch beers I say! Uptown here I come.