I'm not even fooling myself

I have type one diabetes. It's a bitch of a disease. I am in constant battle with weight loss, feeling tired and run down, miscalculations on carbohydrates that leave me shaky, and just in general I don't feel "good" ever.

Last night at 3am, about 4 hours before I needed to wake up for work, I woke up in a sweat, and I was super weak and shaking. I knew that before bed I had taken insulin to counter my nightly chocolate milk and cookies before bed, but I must have miscalculated...by a bunch.

I got up and immediately went to where my testing kit was, and put in a lancet (thing that pokes your finger), and hit the button for my nifty little machine to spit out a testing strip. E5? What the fuck is an E5? Aint nobody got time for that! So at this point I have a bloody finger, an error code that I think I saw on a copier once, and a snoring roomate that I'm trying not to rouse.  I open the door on the back of the machine, shut it, and hit the button...it whirls and makes noises and finally shits out a strip. I test my blood sugar and I'm rocking a 45. Not good.

So i grab some raisinettes, make a little chocolate milk, and sit down and eat chocolate at 3am, all bleary eyed, sweating and shaking like a leaf. I smoke a cigarette after just to kind of get my heart rate up a little and maybe speed up the distribution of some sugar in my system. And then it hits me, I'm a fucking retard. I could die, and at that moment the person who I'm still in love with, my last words for were harsh. Sigh, maybe deservedly so, but I didn't mean what I said. The last message I wrote to her was, "I guess fuck me for caring about you."  I still care about her, I still love her more than anything.

I wanted to grab my phone right at that moment and leave a message on her voicemail, just take the phone out into the hallway and tell her what was in my heart. Tears were welling in my eyes. I felt an awful nagging feeling in my soul. I miss her. I suppose my smoking must have woke up the roomate, and he asked why I was up. I told him that I was having a bout of low blood sugar and needed to stay up until I felt right. I didnt want to explain getting up and calling her to him. I know he'd understand why, he wouldnt agree, but he'd understand. I just didnt feel like having that talk at 3am.

But it's nagged at me all day. All I want to do is tell her that I love her. I still do. I never stop missing her for a moment. No matter what I do, or whom I'm with, I'd always rather it be her. I look off into the distance, and look for her, for her car. These things are supposed to get better with time, so why is it feel harder. Why does it feel like everyday that passes, I get weaker, and gravity gets stronger? I'm not happy anymore. She took that with her. I just feel like I'm going through the motions. I wanted her to hear my voice when I said these things to her. But I just can't. I can't deal with the rejection. I can't deal with it, not from her. I don't ever want to see anything on her face but a smile to see me. I don't want to hear anything but happiness in her voice when I talk to her.

It's the reason why the last time I went out to see her, I chickened out. I couldnt face her telling me I wasnt wanted around anymore. I watched as she walked to her car and drove past. I hoped that she'd stop but she didnt.

I've broke my promise. It's just one I couldn't keep.

My neighborhood.....or Vaya con Dios uptown

I'm feeling a little nostalgic this evening, a little down i guess. My time in my neighborhood is slowly coming to a close, and god damn if I'm not feeling sad about it. I miss the girl too. But thats a subject for another time.

I moved over here about three years ago, and if you count the fact that I spent the majority of my time spending the night at my exes apartment, you can say that I've spent the better part of the last four years living on pretty much the same block.

I moved here, and it was supposed to be temporary. My ex and I lived together in a much nicer neighborhood, but she moved to go to school in Texas. She was going to stay with her parents for awhile, and after a year I was going to move down there and we were going to get a new start, and a new apartment in Dallas. So I moved a block away from my work. It was cheap, close, would save me money on transportation, and I already knew the area. I knew that it sucked though. Lots of crazy people, lots of poor people, and gang violence up the ass. But I knew where most of the gang violence was located and knew that I could probably get away with avoiding those areas for a year. 

Things broke off with the ex. Long distances, and part of her having this instinct to run at the sight of anything too serious doomed our relationship. But I stayed, and I healed. I met my best friend who lived right down the block from me. I had a relationship with a woman, that was pretty much contained in this neighborhood. I fell in love twice, and had my heart handed back to me twice. But I'm gonna tell you, over the last four years, I fell in love with this shitty part of town. 

Walking off the train tonight, feeling the warm breeze against my skin as I walked "home" for one of the last times, I began to remember all the good things about this place. Everyone knows me, I chat with the owners of the shops over here. Through my constant "porch beers" I pretty much know everyone on the block. We stop and chat, I ask them about things going on in their lives and they do the same to me. "hey were you around when that guy locked himself in the bathroom and the cops ran in guns drawn?" "Nope." But I heard about it. 

This is the first time in my life I can say that I've experienced what community feels like. About neighbors reaching out and being interested, about the little chats you share when you walk to the train to go to work, or when you bump into them at the local coffee shop. I love them all. 

But I have signed on to leave this neighborhood in which I am mayor. Sadly I guess I must resign.  But the memories I have will remain, porch beers, friends, lovers, my little apartment, Christmas trees, and snowy nights, the local watering hole, and trivia, walks to the beach, and to my favorite store. 

So now I look forward to February, its gonna be my first opportunity to come back home. 

When it rains it pours

So after a long hiatus it appears I'm back on the dating scene. I have three dates with three different girls this week. Two are long time customers at a coffee shop that I work at, that I had no clue had interest in me. Word gets out pretty quick that you're available when you work with a tightknit crew such as a neighborhood shop, and apparently everyone knows your business. Which is fine, it makes explaining your situation a little easier. But anyway, one girl had been coming in for years, and she approached me about fixing her computer and offered to pay by taking me out for a drink. After that night, I recieved another text asking if I'd like to hang out again.

The second girl, also a long time customer of the coffee shop was someone I kind of flirted with whenever I had the chance, she has a kid, and because of how she looks I just assumed that she had a boyfriend or whatever. Turns out she's a single mom. Over a smoke outside she asked me where I hung out in the neighborhood. I brought up the local watering hole, and said we should go have a drink there and conversate, and she ended up giving me her number, I gave her mine, and before I was off work she texted and asked when I was free. So we made plans for my next day off.

The third is the girl I just met on the train, we already went out once. She's a bit shy and reserved, coupled with my own shy and reserved side, I don't really know how we're gonna get each other out of our own shells, but we've been talking on the phone and texting a bit so its coming along. She's nice. But she doesnt really get my sarcastic dark sense of humor, which,  jesus christ, is really my only form of communication anymore. Haha.

Honestly, I hate all of it. I'm the worst bachelor ever. I suck at dating. I dont wanna learn this shit about another person again. I don't want to tell my shitty life story again. I just want to be. I want someone who just gets me. I'm really not all that fucking complicated. Be nice to me, laugh at my stupid jokes, swoon at my advances, fuck me, and god damn will I move mountains for you. The end.

So anyway, thats whats on my agenda. Keep swimming, just like the fucking shark I am. I just can't keep swimming in the lakes that I'm used to. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, I'm so tired of all this.

It's bidness time...

I work at a place that sells computers. I love computers. I used to build computers. But I'm not most people. I understand that. We get people in all the time that cant even operate or set up a router to use their newfangled stuff with. So I get the question.....why don't you guys offer a service where a person comes out and can help me with this stuff. We just don't. So I have to turn away the little old lady who politely asks me where she can purchase the internets, or doesn't know that wifi doesnt come from a modem, and theres no coax connector for your laptop.

Until recently.

This lady came in and was PERSISTENT that someone come and help her. Anyone. So, finally I handed her my card, wrote my number on the back and said look. I don't do this usually, so its new for me, but I'll come over and show you some stuff on your device and hook up your router for you. She called later that evening, I went over the next day and set it all up for her, answered all of her questions, and was out the door. "How much do you charge?", she asked. "Just pay me what you think is fair.", I said. She opens up her purse, and hands me a hundred dollar bill. I look at her and say," do you feel ok with that?" "Would you like more?" At that point I was thinking.....holy shit, this woman would pay more.....to set up a router.....one hour?.....jesus, i've been doing it wrong.  So I told her no, and thanked her, and said if you ever need anything else give me a call and went on my merry way. 

Next day, a guy comes in needing migration done on his computer, oh and his printer set up wireless, can you unlock two phones for my trip as well?  4 hours. Pay me what you think.......$250. On my way out, hey do you think you can come back and teach my wife how to use her stuff, oh and I have a guy that opened up a consulting firm, would you be interested in an IT job? 

So, I think I'm gonna continue doing this little venture of mine for awhile. I love helping people, and if this whole pay me what you think thing keeps going, then damn..I'll take a 60 buck an hour job anyday. 

With all that said, life's ok. Its most certainly taking a turn.

The road not taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

 -Robert Frost

People are strange....

So I met this girl on the train. We were both standing and its busy, and we're all stuck in this hot, stinky, sadness trap, when we hit one of the many curves that the train takes going full speed and this little chineese girl falls right into me. She smiles at me, as I catch her and kind of put her back upright. I kinda smiled back and continued listening to my morning music, trying to ramp myself into a working mood.  At that point I feel my earphones kinda beeing pulled on, so I thought it was off my bag. I looked and the girl is pulling on them, she saw the shirt I had underneath my hoodie and guessed where I worked.  Turns out she was heading to the same place to make a purchase.

We get off the train and walk and we talk about what she's looking for, and other getting to know you whatnot, and I tell her I'd help her once I punch in and come up to the sales floor, but in the meantime I can give you my card. So I give her the card, she asks if the number at the bottom is mine. I said no, but it could be. And there you go. Thats how things are done.

So we talk and text, and agree to meet. But before then, almost a week in, she tells me that she's been, married for 11 years and is recently divorced. I shit you not. So I'm like, well divorced is a welcome change of pace. So I say, no big deal. And we continue on, until.. a day after that she tells me she has two children from that past marriage. 

My question is this, why not tell me that in the first conversation we have? Why wait a week in and then tell someone. I'd rather someone got out right away after knowing something about me they didnt want to know, than to string them along for a week. 

Anyway, tomorrow is our first date. I still dont know how I feel about the kids, but I'm interested enough to know more about her.  Dinner at a noodle shop, and drinks at the beercade. Should be fun. :)

My first post in my new home

Welcome all,
In the next few weeks I will be moving into a new home, as well as some new people in my life. I hope you stick around to read about whatever is going on. I promise to keep it interesting whatever I do. I'm off to go cook some turkey burgers and dink my ass off right now. So stay tuned.