I dont know why this has been so hard for me to write. I've been thinking about it a lot these last couple of weeks. I've come to the conclusion that I'm still in love with someone from my past.
I'm still jealous. I still have real feelings of want, hope, desire, as well as jealousy, dread, and nervousness. It occurred to me at this point that this is totally and beyond anything else, beyond my control. You don't get to choose who you love. You just love who you love despite yourself. Despite what might be best, despite what might be easiest, you love them.
My life has been filled with people that would be easy for me to love. They want me, they want to be with me, they might even be good for me. But theres something indescribable about someone that you're in love with. You think about them all the time, you get nervous that your actions may or may not jive with them, you worry that someone else may be better for them than you, or that that someone else may catch their eye. They make you be better, better than the person you are, because they make you feel like they are worth it.
I've tried, lord knows I have. I tried for her sake and for mine. I tried letting go. I just can't. Even if I never talk to her again, I will love her. I will still be in love with her. I can't stop it, ignore it, or make it go away. To be perfectly honest, I don't want to. She holds within her a feeling that I've lost. A feeling that I've never felt before, or at least one that I barely remember. I felt accepted. Loved beyond reason. I felt like the best. I've never felt like the best at anything. But, I was the best. The best at loving her.
