a tale of two nights

Around a year ago there was two different events that came on this same evening this year. The first was a 5K in a graveyard. The second was a party of well hot dogs and what not..I'll explain. A year ago, I took part in the the graveyard run. I remember it well. It happened right after she had taken a vacation down to Virginia beach with her husband and another couple. I hated when she took vacations away. I didnt have access to her as I was want to do. I remember taking that week to kind of collect myself, but I emailed and talked about her constantly. I took the opportunity to take care of her garden when she was away. I took pictures of the plants and used that as an excuse to be close to her, and to feel somewhat connected to her. I remember being upset that on the night of the run that we were gonna be surrounded by her friends and sister. After a long week, all I wanted was time alone with her. We snuck off shortly after meeting again to walk to her car to put my stuff inside and we kissed, and I was relieved. All I wanted was reassurance.

During the race we kind of met back up and I took pictures of her and her sister that evening, talked to her and flirted with her, about what we would do if nobody else was around. After the race she, her sister, and friend and myself went out to dinner and waited in a long line trying to get seated at a neighborhood restaurant/bar.  I remember us being way too close, and showing a little too much affection toward each other while waiting for a table. I told her one time that if she continued to put her face so close to me I couldn't help but kiss her. And  I nearly did, right in front of her sister and friend.

We finally got a table after I threw my balls down and kinda demanded they push two tables together for us. We sat on the same side of the table, and it was amazing. It was the first time that the two of us, had been in a situation that I felt like we were a couple. She scolded me for being on my phone. We locked hands under the table, I caressed her leg, rested my hand on her thigh, all under the guise of just being her friend but at that moment I felt like her man.

At the end of the evening she drove me home with her sister. All I wanted was to spend anytime alone with her.  But i couldnt, i remember her caressing my knee and my hand before i  left.

Part 2 coming tomorrow, I'm drunk and super tired lol.

just a song today

Its gonna be a long day at the office so I'm just gonna leave you with a song. It just popped in my head this morning thinking about some occurrences of the last few days.

Enjoy.

Why do I do the things I do?

Everytime I get on that train I sell a little piece of my dignity. I walk out into a parking lot feeling as I'm some kind of creepy stalker. I've been attacked by birds walking down the path, I've been yelled at, drove off on, one time I just froze up and chickened out and ran away. 

The whole way I thought of getting off the train. Stop by stop telling myself that it would be easy to get back home from here. My hands were clammy, my stomach a nervous wreck. I stepped off the train and took a deep breath. And picked up my pace towards the parking lot. To find that she already left. 

The whole ride I just thought to myself that all I wanted was to see her. Extend my arms open and hug her. I don't want to talk anymore. There's really nothing to explain or try to negotiate anymore. She knows how I feel about her. I've only explained it a million times. The only thing left is two people. Two people who could really use each other.  I thought about what id say beyond the goofy hi that I normally gave her. I'd ask if she was ok. I don't know how she'd react upon seeing me. Happy or sad, relieved or upset. 

Last night after I got home and cooked dinner, the house grew quiet. I imagined her there eating dinner with me, just spending time talking about her work, her day, her life. I imagined her pregnant, wearing pjs getting up and asking me of I was going to come to bed. I imagined her peeking her head around the corner into the living room with a smile on her face. 

I am lost without her. My life is an empty shell of what it was with her around. My sunshine is gone. As much as I tried to make everyday of hers better she did that and so much more for me. And I know she'd love me quoting Vampire Weekend but here goes, " I don't want to live like this, but I don't want to die."

A tale of two cities

I talked to my ex last night for about an hour. Our talks are easy and fun. We've always had strong communication between the two of us. We could delve into different subjects and easily lose an hour discussing art or politics. Inevitably it always turns into a discussion of the things we miss. Little things like how I'd drive her to work. Or her always telling me to hurry home. 

After I got off the phone I realized that for the majority the last two relationships I was in offered me two seperate things. Texas ex offered me the domesticated home life I crave, the partner to spend time with to share my life with. The person you wake up with and look at and say, "hey, let's go have an adventure today." She's also the person that taught me the value of true honesty. She never glossed her feelings over for me. It allowed me to understand her and her motives for the things that she did. 

 

But in married ex I found exactly the person I wanted to do all those things with. We matched each other stride for stride. There was never an idea that didn't sound good to me. Antique shopping? Sure. Taking a bike ride around the city? Yes! We connected and hit on every single note possible. I never once found her annoying to be around. She never bored me. She was a giant sponge of the love I had to offer and she gave back as best she could. 

With her I never felt so loved and wanted. She reciprocated every hug and kiss, every hold of the hand, every caress of the fingers.  My ideas were always interesting to her too. The zoo, outdoor concerts and picnics. I think she even wanted to do the St Patrick's day parade even though she scoffed at it. 

What's my point? There's a reason I didn't head down to Texas the last time after my ex was in town and we kissed. The reason is that the person that I had found after her is truly the person I feel I was meant for. 

And did I mention smart as a whip? She knows what I'm going to do before i do it. Always two steps ahead. 

A letter to noone

It's just about a week ago two years ago that I met you. I still remember you behind the counter smiling as I walked up to collect my keys coming back from vacation. I knew that you had been hired, and I was curious about everything when I was told essentially that you were going to be replacing my good friend who I had met at work. It was curious at first. I didnt really want to let you in. I was sad that my friend was leaving me. This guy that I viewed almost as a little brother, someone that I from work spent almost as much time with than the girl I was living with. So we started slow. I watched you interact with our coworkers. I'm always a little timid at first. I never seem to know when to jump in when theres a new person about. Sometimes I can just take over the conversation, and leave the new person out. Kind of use my might and familiarity with the people around me to kind of push the new person in the background. Let them know that this is my space. But not you. You just have this ease with people. You just barge on in and the radiance that you carries just puts a smile on peoples faces. Theres not a single person that I can think of that you dont have that way about you with. It's always been something that I admired about you. Its something that rubs off as well. You made me more open, more friendly, and more jovial towards other people. But I digress...when I met you I found it hard to jump in. It really wasnt until the nights when we started closing alone started piling behind us that we started to really open up, well at least me. I admit that I had a crush on you from the get go. I was disappointed when I found out that you were married, even though I had a girlfriend at the time. But alas we started forming a fast friendship, and you went from coworker to confidant pretty quickly, you were always there with a kind word, and a funny quip to keep me going, all while having my side, and my back. You worried about me when I was not taking care of myself, and hated the invisible girl who was slowly but surely breaking my heart. The more that we talked, and the more time I spent with you, I started developing real feelings for you. I found myself making excuses to come to work when you were there, to find something, anything to do with you outside of work. Just to be near you, to sometimes feel your hand graze up against mine, to smell the scent of your shampoo in your hair, to smell you as you brushed by me. To sometimes secretly gaze at you from afar and watch you work, and interact with people with your wonderful smile. And we texted....my goodness did we ever. And I would get jealous even then when you would tell me things about your life at home. Sometimes, and I know you did purposely try to make me jealous. But you always looked forward to talking to me. You were always trying to get my attention, but you always had it. You just didnt know it. I tried to keep things as friends, but I could tell you liked me. It would have been easy if I didnt feel the same way as you did. I could have just kept the whole situation at arms length, but I just couldn't. I struggled with my feelings for you. What the hell would a married woman want with me? I didnt think I could ever have you. I just didnt forsee anyway that you'd ever feel for me more than just a crush. I still remember the night we made the leap. We had been flirting in texts for a couple days, and it was just building and building to an apex. You were working downtown, and taking the train back to your car that you had parked near work. We were getting all sorts of worked up, and then I told you what I would do to you if you came in. And you came in anyway. I pressed you up against the shelving in the back room. My hands going crazy, trying to touch all of you at once. Not knowing where to go, but I needed you. I wanted you more than I wanted anyone else in my life at that moment. Every inch of skin I touched, hotter than the last, my hands couldn't move fast enough, couldn't squeeze and touch enough. I slid my hands down inside your skirt, under your stockings and into your panties, and my god was that the hottest moment of my life for a long time. Feeling how wet and writhing you were for me. Sigh. That carried on for awhile until we had sex. And we had sex, and sex, and more sex. Each time better than the time before, no matter if it was grappling hot fucking, or as we found later on tender, soft connecting sex. It was the best I've ever had. Our bodies seemed to speak to each others. Telling each other what it wanted, what it needed. We rarely spoke, but we communicated novels with our naked bodies. I think the same went for us. You never had to tell me what you needed. I listened to what you had to say. I knew when you needed to be heard. To be supported. To be forgiven. To have someone have your back, just as you always had mine. I'd never turn my back on you. I know I've said it a million times in the past. But you really are the best person I ever met in my life. It's evident more to me now than it ever has been when we were together. I miss you from the moment I wake up in the morning until the time I go to sleep at night. Theres a void you left. And its not just you, or your texts, or your smile, or your smell, or your hugs, or even the way youd scuttle up to me and rest your head on me. The biggest void is in me. I'm not the same anymore. I was a better person with you than I will ever be on my own. I'm no longer the happy, quick with a joke, funny, lovable guy that you left. I miss that guy. I like the person I was when I was with you. I don't have much use for the person I am now. You gave me hope, everyday. I looked at you and I saw everything I ever wanted in that beautiful, wonderful smelling, simpson loving, knitting crazy, package. I saw a hope for a future, I saw a family, and a house, and chopping down trees for christmas, and lounging by the lake and traveling, and more than anything conversations, and talks about the future. I don't know what else to say. I look for you....everywhere. I stand out front of work every monday at 4:15, every wednesday I fight not taking a train ride. But I dont know what you want. I don't know if you still love me. I dont know if you still miss me. I don't know what to do. All I know is that I really do need you. I don't think I needed anyone in my life until I met you. And I don't think I've ever begged anyone of anything. But I will. I'm begging you. If you feel the way that I do, If you still long for a future, for a family. Please show me a sign. Lead me home. Love always, Dave

Should I stay or should I go

I'm in the same conundrum that I was in two years ago.

I'm post relationship, feeling the same empty void that I did then. I moved from the apartment that I was staying in just as I did then.  I'm going through the reasons I have to stay just as I did then. I'm meeting new people just as I did then trying to find new reasons to stay.  But it's different this time. I feel like I've finally met my match and I lost.

I love this city, I've given my all. But I feel like a ghost wandering down it's streets these days. No love given, none given back. New street. New neighborhood, but the smiling faces are gone. The familiar has become strange to me now.  Walks to the commute are different, I've changed the scenery, but the scenery hasn't changed me.  

I've been beckoned by my brother to come run his security firm in bumblefuck Kentucky. I could go, and live comfortably. Make good money, have health insurance, and probably buy a house.  Maybe it's time to give up hope of finding solace here in this city. Maybe it's time for me to learn that in the great lyrics of Matt and Kim.  "Concrete and cracks won't cut you deals"

I love you chicago, you just never loved me back. 

and even though it was written about New York, I think this fits how I feel about Chicago right now as well:

Home....for now

Well, I almost finished unpacking and setting stuff up and it occurs to me that I don't nearly have enough shit for this place. It's so god damned huge. 

There's the living room. Again I'm not a minimalist by default. I'm just coming from a studio apartment. 

My favorite part of the new place is the kitchen and dining room. Finally I can do some serious cooking. 

And there you go. Bathroom, sad sad bedroom, and hallway. Badcat seems to like it though. 

All I can say is for now it's very empty and kind of a blank slate. No memories. I don't know if that's a good thing or not yet. 

Its been a few days..

I finished the move, but not the unpacking. I guess thats going to be my goal today.

This is just a preview....I still have lots to clean, organize and get ready. But its a crazy amount of space over what I had.

I'll take pics and if I can find pics of the old place I'll compare them together. Its gonna be a lot of room to fill. I'm already up a full size couch.

I wish I could say that I'm in the best of spirits. I'm just not. There's two songs flowing around my brain lately, i dont know which is more true.