Why do I do the things I do?

Everytime I get on that train I sell a little piece of my dignity. I walk out into a parking lot feeling as I'm some kind of creepy stalker. I've been attacked by birds walking down the path, I've been yelled at, drove off on, one time I just froze up and chickened out and ran away. 

The whole way I thought of getting off the train. Stop by stop telling myself that it would be easy to get back home from here. My hands were clammy, my stomach a nervous wreck. I stepped off the train and took a deep breath. And picked up my pace towards the parking lot. To find that she already left. 

The whole ride I just thought to myself that all I wanted was to see her. Extend my arms open and hug her. I don't want to talk anymore. There's really nothing to explain or try to negotiate anymore. She knows how I feel about her. I've only explained it a million times. The only thing left is two people. Two people who could really use each other.  I thought about what id say beyond the goofy hi that I normally gave her. I'd ask if she was ok. I don't know how she'd react upon seeing me. Happy or sad, relieved or upset. 

Last night after I got home and cooked dinner, the house grew quiet. I imagined her there eating dinner with me, just spending time talking about her work, her day, her life. I imagined her pregnant, wearing pjs getting up and asking me of I was going to come to bed. I imagined her peeking her head around the corner into the living room with a smile on her face. 

I am lost without her. My life is an empty shell of what it was with her around. My sunshine is gone. As much as I tried to make everyday of hers better she did that and so much more for me. And I know she'd love me quoting Vampire Weekend but here goes, " I don't want to live like this, but I don't want to die."