The end,

My name is David . I am a 39 year old man who at one point in my life made the mistake of falling in love. But, falling in love isn't the part that I really regret, its who I fell in love with, then again it's probably me.

When you think about your life, as everyone does from time to time, if you're anything like me you tend to think that you're this character in your own book. Who is this guy? What makes him tick? What does he need to survive and be happy? Like any good book you have the main character, which is me, of course. I tend to think that everyone thinks that they are the hero in their own story. A person that the reader would actively root for, and at the same time not be at all boring. I remember a line from the movie "Swingers", where the main character should act like the R rated version of themselves. A guy that we cheer for but we're really not sure that we like yet. That's me. I have moments of extreme caring and try to take care of the people around me, and to those that really have got a chance to know me, there's a very soft romantic side. But there's another side to me, I am gruff, opinionated, tempermental, aloof, and sometimes fucking mean.  But if you knew me, you'd root for me too.

So I guess that makes me the good guy in this book. It starts like any good book should start. Our hero is seperated from his family. Things take a pretty rough turn for him, but he's our hero and we continue to root for him as even though everything seems like it's against him, somehow he remains positive.

And so it goes. Our hero makes a bunch of mistakes, loses people along the way. Gets rejected by pretty much everyone he knows, and somehow he keeps thinking to himself that things will work out. But they don't. And our hero finally realizes something about himself, the world around him, and just life in general. The good guy doesn't win this time. He loses. He just dies an unhappy man unable to cope with the fact that he can't seem to make anyone value him enough to stick around. And thats the story,

I've tried. I really have. I don't go down knowing that I didnt put forth every effort I had into these things. I saw the shitty things that people do to each other. I've seen the dishonesty, the cheating, the pettiness, the lack of love. The me first attitude that plagues everyone. Its taken everyone I know away from me, and I thought to myself a long time ago, that someone somewhere would appreciate the fact that when the shit went down I was always there, but they don't.  People want what they can't have and I am the very thing you can. A loving, honest, person that takes the time out of their day to make sure yours is going well. Nobody wants that person. You think you do. But there's always someone out there that will treat you like shit, that will demand your attention more than I will. Which is why I'll always lose.

And that's ok. I've slept with over 30 women up to this point in my life. Most of which when when I was a different person. I wasn't always the guy I am now. At one point in his life our hero treated people like shit. He was a me first kind of guy. He lied and cheated, stole and backstabbed, anything to get ahead or get what he wanted. But the people he slept with, and women that he dated only wanted him because of the fact that he treated them like shit. Along the way though, something happened. He saw something in himself that made him angry. He hated the way that people were so controllable. He thought to himself, what if you just do the things you want to do, tell people the absolute truth about how you feel, and just overall be honest with yourself, how would that work?

So the first 12 years of my adulthood I slept with over 25 women, the last 10? Four. I just don't have it in me anymore, friends. I feel like I'm reading the novel of this man, and he's so broken down and sad and near the end of his journey that he just doesnt have the will to fight anymore. Fight for what? All he's ever known is heartbreak. And every time he puts that heart on the line for someone they disappoint him.

"Don't ever stop telling me how you feel.", said a woman that I am still very much in love with. But as much as those words meant to me then, and for a very long time. They turned out to not be true either. This was the final dagger in our heroes heart. He had convinced himself that a person that felt that way about him was the end of that very long road he had traveled. Sure, she was married. Sure, there was every obstacle in the way of them ever being together but our hero was sure he'd overcome it. He loved her in every true sense of the way. His acts of kindness towards her, his love, his want of understanding came from nowhere else but out of the true sense of the word itself. Love. He felt a love he had never felt around this woman. It was without effort, It came from him like he was programmed to do it.

She was a person in which he saw his own wants, and feelings. When she opened up to him, he saw himself. A person let down by every person that was supposed to take charge and make sure she didn't feel unloved, cherished, important. They mirrored each other for awhile, giving and giving. There was never any taking. More obstacles were placed in the way and even though she was distant. He still knew he had her heart. Or at least he thought.

Every time she beconed, our hero came running. Whenever she needed a lift, he would be there to try to do what he has always done, and that was to make things better. And he tried, His thought was someday, she'd see him for what he really was. Just a man that really loved her. One that wouldn't slight her in front of her friends, one who wouldn't forget she existed. One that would challenge her to be better than she was, to achieve the things that she wanted for herself, and to make her life as fulfilling as it possible could, He hoped that the day would come where she would love him again.

He was wrong.

She wasn't any better than anyone else. She hadn't loved him as much as he thought that she did. For everytime that he was there for her, when he really needed her to talk to she vanished. She asked him one day to hang out, because her husband treated her like shit. And knowing she could use a friend, he made time for her. But when he lost someone in his life, and was having a rough time of things. where did she go? He never stopped telling her how he felt. But she stopped listening. He would have never did that to her. Add in the fact that she was contemplating sleeping with someone else, and that she chose to be with that person over him. He realized what his worth was to her.

Nothing.

It broke his heart worse than anything he could possibly have imagined. Our hero, no stranger to heartache, no stranger to knowing he was wrong about people. Felt something he's never felt in his life.  He felt hopeless. He's always had a little bit of hope left in his pocket, but now he has none.

He doesn't know how to deal with his feelings. He still loves her more than anything, but now he hates that he does. He hates that he doesn't know how to make it go away, to make her stop coursing through his head. He hates the fact that no matter what thoughts he has about her, its the love that keeps pouring through. He hates that every person he could be with, or person that might interest him is shadowed by his feelings for her, Feelings for a woman. who he finally has found flaw with. A woman who honestly treats him like someone who'll always just be hanging around waiting. He is a doormant. What can he do?

So he decides to do the only thing he can think of to end it.  He leaves.

Know this. I would have done anything to make you happy. I never put your needs ahead of my own, even to my own fault. I would have moved heaven and earth just to see you smile. And now that is gone.