i need some time to digest the day.

 I don't want to leave the house. I want to stay in. But there's nothing for me here. Yeah, i could sit and watch tv, read stuff on the internet, cook a nice dinner for myself on my last day off until saturday. But here's the thing, I hate cooking for myself. Cooking for myself is always such a love/hate relationship. I make a big ass steak, sautee up some veggies, make a big baked potatoe, and that parts all fine and good. I'm busy, I'm productive, I have to make sure that everythings done at the same time. It's the when you're done cooking that gets me. The bringing the plates and beverage and sitting it on the table, and looking at it. Meal for one, turn on the tv and thats it.

 I was asked today, when the last time I was single was. That would be almost four years ago. I was single for 2 years. I didnt sleep with anyone, didnt meet anyone, came home, hung out with friends and did exactly the thing that I'm doing now. I don't like being alone. It's not that I can't do it. I've done it before. It's just that I get so little joy out of things that I do on my own. Everything I do is better with people.

I know why I am that way. Sigh.  The majority of my childhood was spent alone. Alone outside, making up games to entertain myself. Pitch the ball up, hit it, go walk after it. Repeat 1000 times. Go exploring in the woods. Have imaginary friends to talk to.  Play the video game system my mom bought for me before she died.  Being alone reminded me of everything that I had lost. I had friends, and sleepovers. I had classmates that liked me, I did well in school. I came home to hugs and scrambled eggs and the Cubs games on WGN, just for me.  After that I had nothing. I came home to clean out bed pans, cook dinner, change oil. Maybe I'd get the occasional choking from my "uncle", or the always fun, "you're a worthless piece of shit."

So I'd go, I'd be alone, I'd cry. Things weren't any better for me at school being thrust into a kind of rich neighborhood being poor, and misunderstood.  So I was made fun of. I planned on killing myself then.

But there were moments that I'd get a brief reprieve from all of that shit. It's when I did something for someone. I would do things out of the ordinary for classmates, or cousins. I had a weird ability to tell when people were hurt and needed something. Later I found out that it's because I'm wired differently than most folk. But it made me feel good. It was the only thing that did. People, and making their lives just a little better, or listening, and empathizing.

 Its part of the reason I had season tickets to the cubs. I got to take people to games. Sometimes, even little old ladies who in their 60+ years of being on this earth have never been. I take enjoyment from that. I got to share that moment with her. It was because of something I did that she has a memory of someone being kind, and showing her something that she never had before. It's a little selfish sure. But I never denied it. A couple years ago, we had a customer that came into work all the time, and I knew he was going to be alone on Christmas, so I walked up to a local pub and sat and had a few drinks with him. He told me about his life, and how hard of a past he had. Life's not fair. I know that. But shit, nobody should be alone on Christmas. His life reminded me of my own, and it scared me a lot. I could and probably very will end up like him. I withdrew myself from talking to him as much as I used to.

 I try. I try to go out of my way to make things better. If there's something I can do to put a smile on the face of those close to me, I'll do it. It doesnt cost me a thing. Maybe a little time, maybe a little effort. But the way I look at it is time is finite. Sure there's always a part of me that says, go ahead, go back to sleep. It doesnt matter if you do that thing. But it matters to me, because at some part of the day both sides catch up, and meet. The things I do may not always have the impact on the people that I'd hope they have, but it matters to me. I didn't waste that time. I did something that I thought could change things.

 Anyway...I went off on a tangent there. I don't like being alone, yet I am. Would I like to just stay in and cook a nice meal for someone that just got off a shitty job that they hate, have it ready for them with a big hug hello? Yes. Thats what I would prefer my evening to be like. To sit and talk and joke. To make love, and dream. To have someone care about me. Go to sleep together. But thats not happening. So, in spite of what I want in life. I'll go out and be with people. I'll go watch a meaningless football game, and hear jokes about farts and other guy type stuff. I'll probably drink a few beers and try to be happy, all knowing at the end of the night is a long journey home to an empty apartment with nobody to share with.