Christmas and sustained happiness

It's Christmas Eve and I'm heading off to work until 5pm. After work I'm going to do some last minute grocery shopping and then go home.  

I'm going to be alone this Christmas, and it's going to suck.  Most of my friends are all transient. They all have families in Michigan, Wisconsin, or out in the burbs. So I can't really hide myself away amongst them. Tomorrow, when I wake up, I have to face the wound without the dressing....I am alone. 

Most people will wake up and have a great morning, be in the warmth and glow of their loved ones. Most people will have the excitement of gifts, and family, laughter and travel.  I will not. 

There will be no presents for me. Nobody took the time out of their day to figure out what I wanted. Took the time to make a card, and decorate it so carefully. There will be no hugs, no kisses, no I love yous. I didn't buy one single present. And the one person that I would have bought for wouldn't be able to accept what I would have bought anyway. But most of all nobody wanted to be where I am. 

I'm not looking for pity. I know there are thousands upon thousands of people like me. I also know that this is all my fault. I made my bed by shooting for sustained happiness instead of the sure thing. I never take the easy road, well, because the easy road is never the road with the most reward.  I know what it takes to make me happy and I know that its never the things that are easily obtained. 

Even with people. Everyone has baggage. Everyone has flaws. I always tend to try to look at the long term with someone I'm involved with. Even if I know that in the short run it'll be rough. I do this because I know that beyond the initial meeting that they posess qualities that will keep me interested long term. 

Simular goals, interests, sex drive.  My sex drive isn't something that fades, so I know that I need someone who can keep  up. My interest in doing things needs to be met as well, so I try to match myself with someone with similar interests. That way we never get bored of each other.  

I take chances, and I fail for the most part. I've failed so far. But I've tried. 

Something is different this year though. I'm a little bit sadder. A little bit more drawn back. My life is passing by so quickly. All I want to do is freeze time. Be able to move through without worrying about everything. 

So fuck you Christmas.  Fuck you for making me feel like shit. Only one more week for another reminder of what a miserable piece of shit my life is. Thank you.