A long walk home

I walked home today after watching a movie at my best friends house. It was a nice night for it. It was after 1 am on a Sunday night. It was a nice fall evening, where you're slightly overdressed, and the cool fall breeze refreshes you as you walk. It's a bit of a hike, about 3.5 miles home, but for that hour and change I had the city to myself. There was the occasional car passing by, but I could have counted them on one hand. It was just me, the city and my thoughts. My thoughts about a girl.

Sometimes your best isnt good enough. Thats the one thought that kept repeating as I walked towards home. Passing monuments and memories as I walked. There was the gazebo that I made her pull over at in damn near record cold temperatures. There was the river we had walked by a few times. I think thats the thing that hurts the most. It's not like I half assed it. I don't have that to hang onto. I don't have a what if I would have done this differently or that differently. What if I paid more attention, what if I noticed she was upset. I did, and I did. I truly gave my best. Maybe even for the first time in my life. I didnt hold back. Not once.  I said what I felt, shared how I was feeling. I braved below zero weather with a 103 degree fever, I took the time to plan things to make her feel special.  I paid attention, made the effort.

I find in life we tend to play it safe. We hide behind our excuses to not do things, just for that reason. We can say, well...if I had only listened more. If I had only spent more time. If I had taken that chance. Sure you fail, but you have an excuse to pad your fall. It hurts so much more when we give our all and fail. There's a realistic truth in that. It strips you bare and leaves you naked. I don't have an excuse. I tried. I gave it my all. I failed. I wasn't good enough. With everything else in life, from trying for a promotion, to running a race, trying to get that elusive turkey in bowling, to making it to work on time, those all suck. But when it comes to love. When it comes to people. When it comes to someone who you stripped yourself down for, for the first time in your life. And they see the person that you are. And you do give it your all, and you fail. Well...you feel like a disappointment.

I still love her. I still think about her constantly. I don't give a shit who knows it or who doesn't. I'm sad without her in my life. I'm tired of pretending that I'm not. It's the truth. I refuse to live a god damned lie anymore. As shitty as I feel, I'd go back and do it all over again.