heard this today..

A long walk home

I walked home today after watching a movie at my best friends house. It was a nice night for it. It was after 1 am on a Sunday night. It was a nice fall evening, where you're slightly overdressed, and the cool fall breeze refreshes you as you walk. It's a bit of a hike, about 3.5 miles home, but for that hour and change I had the city to myself. There was the occasional car passing by, but I could have counted them on one hand. It was just me, the city and my thoughts. My thoughts about a girl.

Sometimes your best isnt good enough. Thats the one thought that kept repeating as I walked towards home. Passing monuments and memories as I walked. There was the gazebo that I made her pull over at in damn near record cold temperatures. There was the river we had walked by a few times. I think thats the thing that hurts the most. It's not like I half assed it. I don't have that to hang onto. I don't have a what if I would have done this differently or that differently. What if I paid more attention, what if I noticed she was upset. I did, and I did. I truly gave my best. Maybe even for the first time in my life. I didnt hold back. Not once.  I said what I felt, shared how I was feeling. I braved below zero weather with a 103 degree fever, I took the time to plan things to make her feel special.  I paid attention, made the effort.

I find in life we tend to play it safe. We hide behind our excuses to not do things, just for that reason. We can say, well...if I had only listened more. If I had only spent more time. If I had taken that chance. Sure you fail, but you have an excuse to pad your fall. It hurts so much more when we give our all and fail. There's a realistic truth in that. It strips you bare and leaves you naked. I don't have an excuse. I tried. I gave it my all. I failed. I wasn't good enough. With everything else in life, from trying for a promotion, to running a race, trying to get that elusive turkey in bowling, to making it to work on time, those all suck. But when it comes to love. When it comes to people. When it comes to someone who you stripped yourself down for, for the first time in your life. And they see the person that you are. And you do give it your all, and you fail. Well...you feel like a disappointment.

I still love her. I still think about her constantly. I don't give a shit who knows it or who doesn't. I'm sad without her in my life. I'm tired of pretending that I'm not. It's the truth. I refuse to live a god damned lie anymore. As shitty as I feel, I'd go back and do it all over again.

The problem is I don't know which I am....

I was racking my brain sitting here at this table until I remembered this suitable fable that gets at a truth, though it may well distort us. So here with the tale of the scorpion and tortoise.

The scorpion was hamstrung, his tail all aquiver, just how would he manage to get cross the river? The water's so deep, he observed with a sigh, which pricked at the ears of the tortoise nearby.

Well, why don't you swim, asked the slow-moving fellow. Unless you're afraid, I mean, what are you, yellow?

It isn't a matter of fear or of whim, said the scorpion, but that I don't know how to swim.

Ah, forgive me, I didn't mean to be glib when I said that. I figured you were an amphibian.

No offense taken, the scorpion replied. But how bout you help me to reach the far side? You swim like a dream and you have what I lack. Let's say you take me across on your back.

I'm really not sure that's the best thing to do, said the tortoise, now that I see that it's you. You've a less than ideal reputation preceding. There's talk of your victims all poisoned and bleeding. You're the scorpion, and how can I say this, but well, I just don't feel safe with you riding my shell.

The scorpion replied, what would killing you prove? We'd both drown. So tell me, how would that behoove me to basically die at my very own hand, when all I desire is to be on dry land?

The tortoise considered the scorpion's defense. When he gave it some thought, it made perfect sense. The niggling voice in his mind he ignored, and he swam to the bank and called out, climb aboard.

But just a few moments from when they set sail, the scorpion lashed out with his venomous tail. The tortoise, too late, understood that he'd blundered when he felt his flesh stabbed and his carapace sundered. As he fought for his life he said, tell me why you have done this for now we will surely both die?

I don't know, cried the scorpion. You never should trust a creature like me because poison I must. I'd claim some remorse or at least some compunction, but I just can't help it, my form is my function. You thought I'd behave like my cousin the crab, but unlike him it is but my nature to stab.

The tortoise expired with one final quiver, and then both of them sank, swallowed up by the river.

The tortoise was wrong to ignore all his doubts, because in the end, friends, our natures will out.



More to come....

A tale of two nights part two...

I'm actually surprised at how well part one came out, I was passing out on the couch with my eyes struggling to stay open while writing, so good job me. Anyway..

The other night that came about was a friend of a friends hot dog fest. It was strange last year, because out of the blue I started talking to Texas ex that same evening. I arrived late after work to find my friend already about half a case of beer in. I worked the room a bit and got to know some new people, but the majority of my evening was spent:

1. Eating copious amounts of hot dogs. There were 12 different dogs, topped all different ways. Everything from a hot dog wrapped in a mini pizza, to a 2 foot gourmet dog on a hoagie, to the classic twinkie wiener sandwich. Not nearly as nasty as it sounds.

2. Texting my ex from Texas. I'll refer to her as A from now on. It was strange to me that she was texting me but it was nice to kind of keep up. 

3. Keeping an eye on my drunk friend. For some reason he decided he couldn't pee until after he had 12 beers in him first. I love that guy to death, but he makes me scratch my head sometimes. 

4. Texting married ex.  Which from now on, just like the past blog I'm going to refer to as K. This was the most important one for me. But on that night as we exchanged texts back and forth it just seemed like we were trying to one up each other. She told me of how they went out on a walk, and had gone out to sonic.  It made me jealous, which I guess was the point. 

Which brings me to this year. Both of these fell on the same day.  I spent a lot of time between talking to people and playing weird Swedish lawn games, thinking about K. Wondering what it would be like to have her there. I imagined her hob knobbing between people that were there, maybe even getting a lead on a new job there. Probably joining in and being my partner during one of the rounds of the game. Probably shaking her head at me a few times. I'd like to think that she'd have had a great time. But then again maybe she'd have wanted to do the run instead. And as good as a time as I had at the hot dog thing, I'd have went with her. Why? Because I had a great time last year, and there'll be another hot dog fest next year. 

I think we're put on this earth to inspire each other. We're here to cheer each other on. To look at the person you're with and see that there are things that they need, voids that they may have that need to be fulfilled. Sometimes all we need is the encouragement of someone else to take that first baby step. Sometimes its just that itch that we cant scratch. The help with the first sentence of a page or letter may come from them, and then you go on to write a great book. 

Maybe its the fact that they care about us as we do ourselves that make us step out of ourselves and become more than we ever thought we could. Maybe its finding that one person that risks everything knowing its against the odds, against every one's advice. 

Its the only way I know how to live. 

a tale of two nights

Around a year ago there was two different events that came on this same evening this year. The first was a 5K in a graveyard. The second was a party of well hot dogs and what not..I'll explain. A year ago, I took part in the the graveyard run. I remember it well. It happened right after she had taken a vacation down to Virginia beach with her husband and another couple. I hated when she took vacations away. I didnt have access to her as I was want to do. I remember taking that week to kind of collect myself, but I emailed and talked about her constantly. I took the opportunity to take care of her garden when she was away. I took pictures of the plants and used that as an excuse to be close to her, and to feel somewhat connected to her. I remember being upset that on the night of the run that we were gonna be surrounded by her friends and sister. After a long week, all I wanted was time alone with her. We snuck off shortly after meeting again to walk to her car to put my stuff inside and we kissed, and I was relieved. All I wanted was reassurance.

During the race we kind of met back up and I took pictures of her and her sister that evening, talked to her and flirted with her, about what we would do if nobody else was around. After the race she, her sister, and friend and myself went out to dinner and waited in a long line trying to get seated at a neighborhood restaurant/bar.  I remember us being way too close, and showing a little too much affection toward each other while waiting for a table. I told her one time that if she continued to put her face so close to me I couldn't help but kiss her. And  I nearly did, right in front of her sister and friend.

We finally got a table after I threw my balls down and kinda demanded they push two tables together for us. We sat on the same side of the table, and it was amazing. It was the first time that the two of us, had been in a situation that I felt like we were a couple. She scolded me for being on my phone. We locked hands under the table, I caressed her leg, rested my hand on her thigh, all under the guise of just being her friend but at that moment I felt like her man.

At the end of the evening she drove me home with her sister. All I wanted was to spend anytime alone with her.  But i couldnt, i remember her caressing my knee and my hand before i  left.

Part 2 coming tomorrow, I'm drunk and super tired lol.

just a song today

Its gonna be a long day at the office so I'm just gonna leave you with a song. It just popped in my head this morning thinking about some occurrences of the last few days.

Enjoy.

Why do I do the things I do?

Everytime I get on that train I sell a little piece of my dignity. I walk out into a parking lot feeling as I'm some kind of creepy stalker. I've been attacked by birds walking down the path, I've been yelled at, drove off on, one time I just froze up and chickened out and ran away. 

The whole way I thought of getting off the train. Stop by stop telling myself that it would be easy to get back home from here. My hands were clammy, my stomach a nervous wreck. I stepped off the train and took a deep breath. And picked up my pace towards the parking lot. To find that she already left. 

The whole ride I just thought to myself that all I wanted was to see her. Extend my arms open and hug her. I don't want to talk anymore. There's really nothing to explain or try to negotiate anymore. She knows how I feel about her. I've only explained it a million times. The only thing left is two people. Two people who could really use each other.  I thought about what id say beyond the goofy hi that I normally gave her. I'd ask if she was ok. I don't know how she'd react upon seeing me. Happy or sad, relieved or upset. 

Last night after I got home and cooked dinner, the house grew quiet. I imagined her there eating dinner with me, just spending time talking about her work, her day, her life. I imagined her pregnant, wearing pjs getting up and asking me of I was going to come to bed. I imagined her peeking her head around the corner into the living room with a smile on her face. 

I am lost without her. My life is an empty shell of what it was with her around. My sunshine is gone. As much as I tried to make everyday of hers better she did that and so much more for me. And I know she'd love me quoting Vampire Weekend but here goes, " I don't want to live like this, but I don't want to die."