Early morning.

You know the people that tell you that nothing good happens after 2am? Those are people that are usually fast asleep at 2am, and have been for many hours. 

I can tell you that I've had fun after 2am, I've had fun and drunken debotchery. Yeah it's probably all misadvised at that point but regardless. Fun.  

So with that I have a new saying.  Nothing good ever happens before 9am. The walk to the train at 5:45am. All dark and snowy and cold. Half asleep conversations with clerks. For what? I'm not a god damned farmer. Look at this fucking 6am party:

Holy shit break out the mirror ball and champagne. This party is off the hook!! Ahem. 

There was a time when I used to be in bed by 11pm.  And I didn't mind it. But outside of the bed and the house nothing good happened. Myself and whoever I lived with would always dread going out and just wanna stay home anyway. 

Hmph on you 6am. At least I'm off at 1:30 today. Yay. I'll probably just go home and nap. 

So this is for you, you morning warriors:

Tuesday schmoozday

Figured I'd make a quick blog about my day. Tuesdays are early days for me usually. I have to be at work at 8am. I guess that's called normal for most folk. 

But I'm up at 6am. I make coffee, smoke a cigarette. Apparently the cat thinks we can communicate so we discuss her breakfast.  Then I sloph off my pjs hop in the shower. I usually have another cup of joe as I get dressed. 

I did debate calling in sick because it was 11 billionty degrees below zero out.  But I trudged on. Stopped at Starbucks and smoked another cigarette while waiting for the train. 

The first train is normal, but god damn my transfer train every day is like origami sex party 2024. I literally have to throw myself at a wall of people just to get on.  And when people want off at the next stop it's like watching the most bizarre game of twister you've ever seen. 

Which brings me to tonight. I'm generally a live and let live kind of dude. But man this fucking dude with his book, blocking the door pissed me off. He wouldn't step aside for people getting on. Just kept standing there, and then on top of it shaking his head as if others are rude.....for getting on the god damned train!! 

So on my way out I wouldn't step aside. I pointed his ass off the train.  Then as I passed I put my shoulder into him a little. Fuck that dude. 

Anyway. Cat needs food, as do I... Gotta run. 

i need some time to digest the day.

 I don't want to leave the house. I want to stay in. But there's nothing for me here. Yeah, i could sit and watch tv, read stuff on the internet, cook a nice dinner for myself on my last day off until saturday. But here's the thing, I hate cooking for myself. Cooking for myself is always such a love/hate relationship. I make a big ass steak, sautee up some veggies, make a big baked potatoe, and that parts all fine and good. I'm busy, I'm productive, I have to make sure that everythings done at the same time. It's the when you're done cooking that gets me. The bringing the plates and beverage and sitting it on the table, and looking at it. Meal for one, turn on the tv and thats it.

 I was asked today, when the last time I was single was. That would be almost four years ago. I was single for 2 years. I didnt sleep with anyone, didnt meet anyone, came home, hung out with friends and did exactly the thing that I'm doing now. I don't like being alone. It's not that I can't do it. I've done it before. It's just that I get so little joy out of things that I do on my own. Everything I do is better with people.

I know why I am that way. Sigh.  The majority of my childhood was spent alone. Alone outside, making up games to entertain myself. Pitch the ball up, hit it, go walk after it. Repeat 1000 times. Go exploring in the woods. Have imaginary friends to talk to.  Play the video game system my mom bought for me before she died.  Being alone reminded me of everything that I had lost. I had friends, and sleepovers. I had classmates that liked me, I did well in school. I came home to hugs and scrambled eggs and the Cubs games on WGN, just for me.  After that I had nothing. I came home to clean out bed pans, cook dinner, change oil. Maybe I'd get the occasional choking from my "uncle", or the always fun, "you're a worthless piece of shit."

So I'd go, I'd be alone, I'd cry. Things weren't any better for me at school being thrust into a kind of rich neighborhood being poor, and misunderstood.  So I was made fun of. I planned on killing myself then.

But there were moments that I'd get a brief reprieve from all of that shit. It's when I did something for someone. I would do things out of the ordinary for classmates, or cousins. I had a weird ability to tell when people were hurt and needed something. Later I found out that it's because I'm wired differently than most folk. But it made me feel good. It was the only thing that did. People, and making their lives just a little better, or listening, and empathizing.

 Its part of the reason I had season tickets to the cubs. I got to take people to games. Sometimes, even little old ladies who in their 60+ years of being on this earth have never been. I take enjoyment from that. I got to share that moment with her. It was because of something I did that she has a memory of someone being kind, and showing her something that she never had before. It's a little selfish sure. But I never denied it. A couple years ago, we had a customer that came into work all the time, and I knew he was going to be alone on Christmas, so I walked up to a local pub and sat and had a few drinks with him. He told me about his life, and how hard of a past he had. Life's not fair. I know that. But shit, nobody should be alone on Christmas. His life reminded me of my own, and it scared me a lot. I could and probably very will end up like him. I withdrew myself from talking to him as much as I used to.

 I try. I try to go out of my way to make things better. If there's something I can do to put a smile on the face of those close to me, I'll do it. It doesnt cost me a thing. Maybe a little time, maybe a little effort. But the way I look at it is time is finite. Sure there's always a part of me that says, go ahead, go back to sleep. It doesnt matter if you do that thing. But it matters to me, because at some part of the day both sides catch up, and meet. The things I do may not always have the impact on the people that I'd hope they have, but it matters to me. I didn't waste that time. I did something that I thought could change things.

 Anyway...I went off on a tangent there. I don't like being alone, yet I am. Would I like to just stay in and cook a nice meal for someone that just got off a shitty job that they hate, have it ready for them with a big hug hello? Yes. Thats what I would prefer my evening to be like. To sit and talk and joke. To make love, and dream. To have someone care about me. Go to sleep together. But thats not happening. So, in spite of what I want in life. I'll go out and be with people. I'll go watch a meaningless football game, and hear jokes about farts and other guy type stuff. I'll probably drink a few beers and try to be happy, all knowing at the end of the night is a long journey home to an empty apartment with nobody to share with.

Saturday live blog

6:45 am: I know it's gonna be cold. God damn it. Snooze

7:00 am: all I wanna do is sleeep. But I told someone I'd do something and I don't want to not be there. Must have coffee. 

7:22 putting on as many layers as I can while drinking as much coffee as I can. Broke out an old coat I haven't wore for awhile. 

7:50. Leaving the house. God damn is it cold out. Only a mile walk to the train. Guh

8:06am: Starbucks has a line. 

8:10am: I missed the damn train. Now I wish I would have left earlier. I hope I make it in time. 

8:16am: train comes. New wallet sucks because I can't scan my card through it. 

8:50am: off the train, really have to pee. No bathrooms. Soldier on buddy.

9:09 I'm at my destination. So many people geez, and I missed the start. 

10:10 am: after much is that them. Is that them, is that them? And I few I think so's Im heading home. I can barely feel my toes and my bladder is gonna rip in half. Too much coffee

11:15 off the train and at the same Starbucks I started at. Finally relieved of used coffee. Yay

11:36am: finally back home.  Start to peel off many layers of clothes. 

11:45: awwwwww. My morning was worth it after all. 

11:46: type up email. Feel super emotional. Feel tears well up. 

11:48am: no time to nap. Have to leave in a bit to go to brunch. Same time every week. 1pm meet in front of different Starbucks. 

12:00pm: another cup of coffee. 

12:34 pm: leaving for brunch meow. Much less clothes on.  Still dread walk to the bus. 

12:48: bus driver arguing with a Spanish woman that doesn't understand her for ten cents. I throw a quarter in, and say there ya go. If all of life's problems could be solved so easily. Note to bus driver: it's ten fucking cents. 

12:55: update all friends via text that I'm on my way. Don't expect responses per usual. Why am I always the one that had to hold shit together. God I'm tired. Await arguement over which place we'll go to, and then always settle on the place that has beer. We'll see if I'm wrong. 

1:00pm: well shit. There's a Irish Christmas market by the brown line. I wanna go! Ok. I realize that nobody else wants to and know that I probably won't. Hmph!  Still no response from friends. 

1:12pm:  more coffee. Christ. Text from one friend that they are gonna be late so we should go grab a beer and wait. So there we go. Fat cat it is.  So I guess this is the point where I apologize beforehand for my writing before I write it. I tend to get a little emotional and more open whilst with drink. Sorry.  At least food will be involved at some point.  Speaking of which. I was reminded late last night of a time I had daytime margaritas. Heh. 

1:36 pm: heard a ghost popped into my old job this morning. Huh.  I have seven beers left on my 12 beers of Christmas left. Having a Sierra Nevada celebration with a fried egg sammich side of bacons. Thoughts creeping in. Boo. 

1:49: 

2:27pm: after talks about worrying about whether you worry about people seeing your farts in the winter, and whether or not wu tang call them selves clansmen, I have a cigarette and order my second beer. A revolution brewery fistmas ale. Yay.  Also my friend broke his taint. 

2:43: proclaimers, I'm gonna be playing on the stereo. Sigh. 

3:02: Great Lakes Christmas ale and a very distasteful portrait of Jesus on a sail celebrating Christ-mast. Lol

4:06 am. I had a southern tier 2xmas, and about to order a Breckinridge Christmas.. In the mean time told the story of my first sexual experience and a pen exploding in my pants on a white leather couch. No Bueno. Outside smoking, thoughts of the girl and how I wish she were here.  

4:56: friend smashed my god damned wallet. I'm within three of finishing my damn holiday beer list and getting a Santa hat and a handy from the bartender. What the hell. 

5:13: friend just finished his 12 beers list. I still have two to go. Feeling pretty tipsy and prolly another Saturday to go. I feel pretty toasty and kind of sad. Anyways....

6:39pm: one friend

 denied peeing at bar number 2. Another friend  forced to give his phone number to a dude. And I'm buzzed in need of rescue. Halp!!!

7:49: one friend left. Porch beers outside. I can't feel my toes.  Back inside. Asked if can Facebook the hoes.  

9:08: long discussion on what is happiness and whether or not happiness is to be obtained. I disagree. Obviously. Talk of going to max's. Drinking to be continued, god damn it. 

10:42pm. Just figured out how to unbold my posts. Also just figured out that the original donkey kong is only three levels. My childhood memories crushed. Feeling pretty tired at this point. 

11:30pm: after reading things that I should know by now I have no business reading after drinking, I'm in a cab heading home.  I got upset. And sad. The things I do don't matter. They don't mean a damn thing.  It wouldn't have mattered if I'd have just stayed in bed this morning.  

11:48pm: I am home.  I can't put into words what I'm feeling. I lost today.  A couple of days ago I had this rejeuvenated never say die attitude. Keep the path, stay the course right? Today, I feel like a sucker.  Maybe I'm foolish. I just stood there like an asshole. And what do I show for it? An empty house and an empty life. Maybe in my next life I can play the part of the minimal effort guy until shit gets serious. 

50 degrees you say?

Porch beers I say! Uptown here I come.