some nights...

Some nights I'm more melancholy than others. Some nights, like tonight I feel like an absolute failure. That every decision I've ever made in this life has been wrong.  Nights are when I get to judge myself, when I come home and get to pour over every decision I've ever made that has led me to this spot in my life.

I think of decisions I've made with people.  There was a girl once who I liked very much. She cared for me. She came to me one Christmas eve with presents, even though i had none for her. She came to me, because I was "on a break", with my current girlfriend. That we were trying to sort some stuff out. But the truth is, I cheated on my then current girlfriend with the girl in front of me. We went out on a drive one afternoon, and we ended up in some forest preserve and she ended up seducing me in the front seat of her car. I say seducing, because well, she did. I liked her very much, we were friend, she was really attractive, and well, my current relationship wasn't going so well. My then girlfriend was a bit of a party-er, and I had suspisions that he was cheating on me with someone else. My friend Jenny and I, had been hanging out quite a bit, and she was nice to me, she introduced me to starbucks, because she worked there. She used to make me mochas everytime I'd come pick her up from work so we could go bowling, or to the mini golf course, or whevever.

One night I picked her up from work and we took a drive. We headed out to a forest preserve to feed the deer. We were parked there late at night, and Jenny looked at me and we started flirting. She leaned over and said to me, " I bet I could undo your pants, just using my mouth." I looked at her and said," but I'm wearing a belt."  She said, "I know." Next thing I know, I'm all the way in her mouth and I'm cheating on my girlfriend. But it didn't stop me, it felt right. But she wanted more. She liked me. A lot.

That night led me to rethink my relationship with my then girlfriend Erin. If I loved her so much why would I cheat on her. Why would I allow myself to be weak. But the thing was, I wasnt weak. I was just unhappy, and unfulfilled. I didn't realize that then. So I told Erin we needed a break, that I needed time to kind of think about where things were with us. I loved Erin, but she confessed that she also had feelings for someone else and didnt know whether or not she wanted to continue.

Which brings me to Christmas Eve, Jenny, the magical pants undo-er girl, came over. I was home by myself, family all by inlaws. And she knocked on the door. She came in bearing gifts and even though I had nothing for her, she made me open them. Then we started making out, and I got her all the way down to her matching panties and bra, and she looks at me and says," If we are going to do this, if we are going to have sex, then I have to know that you're my boyfriend, that you are with me."

At that moment I knew, I knew that if I lied to her, that if I just said something like, "yeah sure". That within minutes I'd be having sex with this girl. One that I had lusted after, one that I had fantisized about. I could have had her right then and there. But I didn't. I let the truth fly. That I didnt know where things stood with myself and Erin, that I didnt know exactly how I felt. That at the moment there was nothing more than what I wanted but her, but I didnt know how I feel feel the next day, or the day after that.

I regretted that decision for a long time. She told me once that if I would have showed up at her wedding, that she wouldnt have been able to go through with it. One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't lie.

Which leads me to today. I sit and think about the woman that I love. I wrestle with everything. I think about her making love to someone else and it makes me upset.  I think about how happy she is without me, and I want to peel my skin off.  I would give anything, anything, just to feel her in my arms again. Hear her tell me she loves me.  But tonight, and probably tomorrow night, that's not me. So is this decision wrong too? I have no god damned idea, but sooner or later, one of the decisions I make has to be the right one.